Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 36/59

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Humor Quotes

"Jon:'What are you doing up there? Why aren't you at the feast?'Tyrion: 'Too hot, too noisy, and I'd drunk too much wine', the dwarf told him. 'I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother."

"Jon:'What are you doing up there? Why aren't you at the feast?'Tyrion: 'Too hot, too noisy, and I'd drunk too much wine', the dwarf told him. 'I learned long ago that it is considered rude to vomit on your brother."

George R. R. Martin, American Author

Humor, Social, Nature, Behavior

13

"CHARTERIS [unfolding his arms in terror] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts."

"CHARTERIS [unfolding his arms in terror] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts."

George Bernard Shaw, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Philosophy, Truth, Hurt, Irony

13

"Bugs Bunny - the perfect employee. Never absent. Never late. Never changes the script. Doesn't have an agent. Never asks for a percent of the profit. Doesn't ask to have his relatives on the payroll."

"Bugs Bunny - the perfect employee. Never absent. Never late. Never changes the script. Doesn't have an agent. Never asks for a percent of the profit. Doesn't ask to have his relatives on the payroll."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Work, Perfection, Performance

13

"There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls."

"There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls."

Lois Greiman, American Author

Humor, Judgment, Taste, Absurdity

13

"This was not of the nature of a Christlike lesson for Owen Meany to learn, as he lay in the manger, that someone you hate can give you a hard-on."

"This was not of the nature of a Christlike lesson for Owen Meany to learn, as he lay in the manger, that someone you hate can give you a hard-on."

John Irving, American Novelist

Humor, Observation, Religion, Truth

13

"Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life."

"Humor is a tool to ease the harsh realities of life."

Ken Poirot, American Motivational Speaker

Humor, Happiness, Life, Observation

13

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."

Robert A. Heinlein, American Writer

Humor, Animals, Cats, Wisdom

13

"Why anybody gets my sense of humor I never know, but I do know that when they do, I keep them as close as I possibly can."

"Why anybody gets my sense of humor I never know, but I do know that when they do, I keep them as close as I possibly can."

Joss Whedon, American Writer

Humor, Friendship, Connection, Joy

13

"We are anthill men upon an anthill world."

"We are anthill men upon an anthill world."

Ray Bradbury, American Writer

Humor, Men, World

13

"One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired, three and they'll hate each other, four and they'll hate you."

"One wife, you're happy, two and you're tired, three and they'll hate each other, four and they'll hate you."

Patrick Rothfuss, Australian Athlete

Humor, Marriage, Love, Conflict

13

"Insanity, thy name is woman."

"Insanity, thy name is woman."

Virginia Alison, British Author

Humor, Gender, Irony, Opinion

13

"Go ahead. You're not going to walk in on anyone. I'm home alone.''The whole night?'Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. 'Dorothea will be coming soon.' That was a lie. Dorothea was long gone. It was close to midnight.'Dorothea?''Our housekeeper. She's old- but strong. Very strong.' I tried to squeeze past him. Unsuccessfully.'Sounds frightening,' he said, retrieving the key from the lock. He held it out for me. 'She can clean a toilet inside and out in under a minute. More like terrifying."

"Go ahead. You're not going to walk in on anyone. I'm home alone.''The whole night?'Immediately, I realized it might not have been the smartest thing to say. 'Dorothea will be coming soon.' That was a lie. Dorothea was long gone. It was close to midnight.'Dorothea?''Our housekeeper. She's old- but strong. Very strong.' I tried to squeeze past him. Unsuccessfully.'Sounds frightening,' he said, retrieving the key from the lock. He held it out for me. 'She can clean a toilet inside and out in under a minute. More like terrifying."

Becca Fitzpatrick, American Novelist

Humor, Observation, Truth, Relationship

13

"Don't be fretting...about me marrying. Marrying's a trouble and not marrying's a trouble and I sticks to the trouble I knows."

"Don't be fretting...about me marrying. Marrying's a trouble and not marrying's a trouble and I sticks to the trouble I knows."

L. M. Montgomery, Canadian Author

Humor, Marriage, Choice, Tradition

13

"It is very difficult sometimes to keep awake, especially at church, but there is no difficulty at all about sleeping."

"It is very difficult sometimes to keep awake, especially at church, but there is no difficulty at all about sleeping."

Oscar Wilde, Irish Dramatist

Humor, Sleep, Church, Boredom, Religion

13

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly."

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly."

Winston Churchill, English Statesman

Humor, Observation, Reality, Life

13

"It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right."

"It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn't distributed right."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Idiots, Intelligence, World

13

"Don't let the devil fool you! Unless he's handsome."

"Don't let the devil fool you! Unless he's handsome."

Ljupka Cvetanova, Macedonian Author

Humor, Observation, Deception, Playfulness

13

"I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger."

"I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Humor, Comedy, Intelligence, Books, Expression

13

"Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle."

"Harry," Bob drawled, his eye lights flickering smugly, "what you know about women, I could juggle."

Jim Butcher, American Author

Humor, Knowledge, Women, Truth

13

"No threatening the cat!' Mr. Snuggly said."

"No threatening the cat!' Mr. Snuggly said."

Charlaine Harris, American Author

Humor, Cat, Playfulness, Dialogue

13

"Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper."Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole.""What?" Piper asked."Nothing," he said. "Inside joke."

"Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper."Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole.""What?" Piper asked."Nothing," he said. "Inside joke."

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Happiness, Power

13

"It's not over till the fat lady eats!"

"It's not over till the fat lady eats!"

Ljupka Cvetanova, Macedonian Author

Humor, Expression, Observation, Life

13

"If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind."

"If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind."

Kurt Vonnegut, American Author

Humor, Blind, Job, Man

13

"Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about."

"Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about."

Winston Churchill, English Statesman

13

"You...are...a...fridge...with wings,' Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. 'We're...freaking...ballet...dancers."

"You...are...a...fridge...with wings,' Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. 'We're...freaking...ballet...dancers."

James Patterson, American Author

Humor, Creativity, Playfulness, Imagination

13

"Tucker, please put him down," said Annie. "You're frightening Jackson.""He's not," said Jackson. "It's cool. I don't like that guy anyway. Punch him, Dad."

"Tucker, please put him down," said Annie. "You're frightening Jackson.""He's not," said Jackson. "It's cool. I don't like that guy anyway. Punch him, Dad."

Nick Hornby, English Writer

Humor, Family, Conflict, Interaction

13

"A joke is a very serious thing."

"A joke is a very serious thing."

Winston Churchill, English Statesman

Humor, Seriousness, Truth, Observation

13

"The biggest laughs are based on the biggest disappointments and the biggest fears."

"The biggest laughs are based on the biggest disappointments and the biggest fears."

Kurt Vonnegut, American Author

Humor, Laughter, Fear, Disappointment

13

"Please don't continually say I'm paranoid.Why?It makes me paranoid."

"Please don't continually say I'm paranoid.Why?It makes me paranoid."

Philip K. Dick, American Writer

Humor, Fear, Word, Emotion

13

"And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died.''From what?''Boredom."

"And besides, I couldn't stay at the party. It was too dangerous. I nearly died.''From what?''Boredom."

Jennifer Donnelly, American Author

Humor, Boredom, Risk, Fear

13

"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."

"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."

Craig Ferguson, Scottish Comedian

Humor, Women, Life, Creativity

13

"He hung up on her. She'd just been hung up on by a disembodied brain in a jar. Fantastic."

"He hung up on her. She'd just been hung up on by a disembodied brain in a jar. Fantastic."

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Absurdity, Surrealism, Science

13

"He punched me. If that's his best punch, he'll be in trouble some day."

"He punched me. If that's his best punch, he'll be in trouble some day."

Patrick Roy, Canadian Athlete

Humor, Day, Trouble

13

"Dip him in the river who loves water."

"Dip him in the river who loves water."

William Blake, English Poet

Humor, Observation, Playfulness, Life

13

"The king was pregnant."

"The king was pregnant."

Ursula K. Le Guin, American Writer

Humor, Irony, Impossibility, Life, Philosophy

13

"Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought."

"Finally, Charlie gave up the hunt and placed (the puppy) back on the floor, dispatching fleas was not his idea of a romantic evening, unless you happened to be a twisted exterminator, he thought."

E.A. Bucchianeri, American Author

Humor, Observation, Life, Animals

13

"Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread."

"Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread."

Ana Claudia Antunes, Brazilian Singer

Humor, Food, Observation, Life

13

"The sun doesn't live in England, it comes here on holiday when we're all at work."

"The sun doesn't live in England, it comes here on holiday when we're all at work."

Benny Bellamacina, British Author

Humor, Observation, Reality, Life

13

"Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin."

"Follow my finger." He moved it around, tracking my eye movements. "Any blurred vision?""Well I think I'm hallucinating, because I see a big talking pile of crap." - Joanne Baldwin."

Rachel Caine, Canadian Actress

Humor, Sarcasm, Vision, Perception

13

"Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect."

"Epitaph n: an inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect."

Ambrose Bierce, American Journalist

Humor, Death, Virtue, Memory, Legacy

13

"Why's it so sunny?" she repeated.Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy," he said."

"Why's it so sunny?" she repeated.Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy," he said."

J.D. Salinger, American Politician

Humor, Confidence, Personality, Joy

13

"I felt a little guilty about jangling the poor bugger's brains with that evil fantasy. But what the hell? Anybody who wanders around the world saying, "Hell yes, I'm from Texas," deserves whatever happens to him."

"I felt a little guilty about jangling the poor bugger's brains with that evil fantasy. But what the hell? Anybody who wanders around the world saying, "Hell yes, I'm from Texas," deserves whatever happens to him."

Hunter S. Thompson, American Journalist

Humor, Guilt, Morality, Consequence

13

"A pessimist is one who has been compelled to live with an optimist."

"A pessimist is one who has been compelled to live with an optimist."

Elbert Hubbard, American Writer

Humor, Life, Irony, Experience, Personality

13

"Not having ice cream, she proclaimed, "is the culmination of all disasters!"

"Not having ice cream, she proclaimed, "is the culmination of all disasters!"

Brandon Sanderson, American Author

Humor, Disaster, Perspective, Emotion

13

"And if I talk to him, I'll say something wrong, give something away. I can feel it coming, a betrayal of myself."

"And if I talk to him, I'll say something wrong, give something away. I can feel it coming, a betrayal of myself."

Margaret Atwood, Canadian Novelist

Humor, Escape, Solitude, Space, Privacy

13

"I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!"

"I'm fascinated by idiots... Here's looking at you, kid!"

Fakeer Ishavardas, Indian Spiritual Leader

Humor, Idiots, Observation, Truth

13

"Who wants to read a book when you can blow something up?"

"Who wants to read a book when you can blow something up?"

Rick Yancey, American Author

Humor, Curiosity, Destruction, Choice, Playfulness

13

"You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?"My gun turned back into a pumpkin."

"You were a well-respected agent, Michael, a rags-to-riches fairytale ending. Until you became disgraced. Now it appears your own organization wishes to be rid of you. Why is this?"My gun turned back into a pumpkin."

Nenia Campbell, Swedish Musician

Humor, Failure, Reputation, Irony

13

"The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin. Again the pause. 'Oh d-'And that was with a coffee machine.' He waited."

"The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago,' continued Marvin. Again the pause. 'Oh d-'And that was with a coffee machine.' He waited."

Douglas Adams, English Writer

Humor, Conversation, Time, Life

13

"Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

"Heathen n. A beknighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

Ambrose Bierce, American Journalist

Humor, Religion, Belief, Irony, Faith

13

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