"Compromise, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due."

"History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools."

"In the presence of death reason and philosophy are silent."

"Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery."

"Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm."

"BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues."

"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect."

"Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree."

"To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity."

"The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up."

"When you doubt, abstain."

"To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense."

"The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff."

"Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."

"Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

"Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table."

"Pray v: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

"Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking."

"Commendation n: the tribute that we pay to achievements that resemble but do not equal our own."

"Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness."

"Mausoleum n: the final and funniest folly of the rich."

"Beware of the compound adjective, beloved of the tyro and the 'poetess'."

"Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

"Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth."

"Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured."

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret."

"Destiny n: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure."

"Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband."

"Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C."

"A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it."

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."

"Achievement is the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust."

"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

"Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth."

"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."

"POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Impartial - unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy."

"Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship."

"Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping."

"You scoundrel, you have wronged me," hissed the philosopher, "May you live forever!"

"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."

"Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

"Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."

"Doubt is the father of invention."

"Peace: in international affairs a period of cheating between two periods of fighting."

"Fear has no brains it is an idiot. The dismal witness that it bears and the cowardly counsel that it whispers are unrelated."

"Bore: a person who talks when you wish him to listen."

"Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish."

"I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats."