"Before criticizing your wife's faults remember that they may have prevented her from getting a better husband."

Humor, Wife, Prevention, Husband

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"Before criticizing your wife's faults remember that they may have prevented her from getting a better husband."

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"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Alimony, Husband, Money, Law

"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."

Richelle E. Goodrich, American Poet

Humor, Happiness, Truth, Wisdom

"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Hair, Identity, Funny

"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Power

"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Absurdity, Disappearance, Bizarre

"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."

Kenneth Grahame, Scottish Novelist

Humor, Speech

"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Madness, Science

"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Mistake, Fallibility, Regret

"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

Humor, Poverty, Hunger, Choice, Necessity

"I never liked being a salesman. . . . Ever since I got my first two orders: Get out! and Stay out!"

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Rejection, Work, Job

Explore more quotes by Anonymous

"Blue is true Yellow's jealous Green's forsaken Red's brazen White is love And black is death."

Life

"Never make fun of someone if they mispronounce a word. It means they learned it by reading."

Wisdom

"Adversity comes with instruction in its hand."

Growth

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks."

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"You are only old once, but you can be immature forever."

Life

"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled ox and hatred therewith."

Life

"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."

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"The whole world knows we have it made in America . . . made in China made in Mexico made in Japan."

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"Cheerfulness is contagious but don't wait to catch it from others. Be a carrier."

Happiness

"Make today a gift to your future self."

Inspirational