"If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right."

"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."

"There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly."

"The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it."

"I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer."

"I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

"I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence."

"There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?"

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

"To you, I'm an atheist.To God, I'm the loyal opposition."

"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."

"I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life."

"David: And you think it can just evaporate? Even if at one time they loved one another?Marx: That's one of the sad truths of existence. Nothing in this world is permanent. Even the characters created by the great Shakespeare will, in millions of years, cease to exist-when the universe runs its course and the lights go out."

"Those modern analysts they charge so much! In my day for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables."

"I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

"The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever."

"I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him."

"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."

"Bullshit french post-war rationalizing."

"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something."

"Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman."

"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down ."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."

"My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker."

"If there is reincarnation I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."

"Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!"

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life."

"Showing up is eighty percent of life."

"All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it."

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

"Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF."

"The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down."

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions."

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"

"In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows."

"You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."