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Humor Quotes


"Bores put you in a mental cemetery while you are still walking."



"The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught."


"Don't do anything stupid.""Don't worry," I whispered over the line, "I'm an expert on stupid.""You're...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they've been? I'm like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said."


"The buzzing was like the eager purr of a muscle car that had just been started, but left in neutral. That was another of Cody's metaphors for it; I'd said the sensation felt like an unbalanced washing machine filled with a hundred epileptic chimpanzees. Pretty proud of that one."


"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."


"Sure! Why should any experts be the arbiters... That's like telling someone they can't be a vegetarian."


"The first ingredient in conversation is truth, the next good sense, the third good humor, and the fourth wit."


"Advertisers also know that humor can help bond us to their product."


"Humor was not important only for me, humor was important for this nation for centuries, to survive, you know."


"I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn't have a sense of humor I'm in big trouble!"


"You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't."


"A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman."


"Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone."



"A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." "Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away."


"Are there any capitalist cats?" Nakata asked."


"So, Marasi said, "you traded a dead man's scarf for another dead man's gun. But the gun itself belonged to someone dead, so by the same logic-"Don't try, Waxillium said. "Logic doesn't work on Wayne."I bought a ward against it off a traveling fortune-teller, Wayne explained. "It lets me add two 'n' two and get a pickle."


"A true intellectual is a man who, after reading a book and being convinced by its arguments, will shoot someone or, more likely, order someone shot."


"Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it."


"George Bush has met more foreign heads of state than I have. But a substantial number of them were dead."


"Mess is fairly good. It is like what is found in American hotels except for cake and pie."


"You see, that's another thing that my parents gave me: an enormously great sense of humor."


"There are only two types of women - goddesses and doormats."


"I mean, yeah, I'm sure that Python and the other things have paved the way for a greater understanding of the British sense of humor, but I don't think it's all that different than the American sense of humor."
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