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"Gags die, humor doesn't."
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"CHARTERIS [unfolding his arms in terror] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts."
"How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian?"
"I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on."
"Where did you find that one?''I have no idea. I'm a magnet for crazies, I guess.''They must be able to sense a kindred spirit.''Your one to talk. Don't you have more hordes of the undead to lead in a glorious revolution?''Zombies not undead. There's a fine distinction. And no. Right now I'm scouting new talent. The glorious revolution comes tomorrow."
"I wasn't sure what was worse: being oblivious or living within reality. (Eric)"
"Negative humor is forgotten immediately. It's the stuff that makes us feel better about our lives that lives long. Much more satisfying. Enter children's books."
"I should curl up in a ball and cry. Instead i think about everything in the whole entire world that makes me angry - There is a lot, oh, there is a lot - and I start singing Justin Bieber at the top of my lungs."
Explore more quotes by Jack Benny
"I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."
"My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never."
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