"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

Humor, Liquor

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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

Anthony Liccione, American Author

Humor, Trust, Mistake, Learning

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

Michael Bassey Johnson, Nigerian Philosopher

Humor, Comedy, Stupidity, Life, Love

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Confusion, Logic, Irony

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

C. JoyBell C., American Author

Humor, Self, Life, Joy

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

Richelle Mead, American Author

Humor, Dance, Sex, Judgment

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Women, Needs, Attention

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Weight, Warning, Technology

"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."

Deyth Banger, American Blogger

Humor, Truth, Power, Wisdom

"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."

George R. R. Martin, American Author

Humor, Conflict, Judgment, Truth

"She breathed an enormous sigh, looked at Poirot, Looked away, and suddenly blurted out, "You're too old. Nobody told me you were so old. I really don't want to be rude but - there it is. You're too old. I'm really sorry." She turned abruptly and blundered out of the room, rather like a desperate moth in lamplight. Poirot, his mouth open, heard the bang of the front door. He ejaculated: "Non d'un nom d'un nom..."

Agatha Christie, English Writer

Humor, Aging, Appearance, Truth

Explore more quotes by Ogden Nash

"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

Love

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."

Happiness

"There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends."

Friendship

"I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons."

News

"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it."

People

"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you."

Age

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Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"Comedy strikes here... just to reduce pressure and depression."

"They're both bungholes who think they're too noble to shit."

Explore more quotes by Ogden Nash

"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up."

"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."

"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

"The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk."

"The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat."

"One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence."

"There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends."

"I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons."

"People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it."

"Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you."