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"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
Author Name
Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development
"Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too."
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Personal Development
"Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips."
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Personal Development
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"There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all."
Happiness
"People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up."
Work
"Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them."
Fun
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them."
Marriage
"Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?"
Society
"The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat."
Trouble
"One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence."
Man
"I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance."
Life
"The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late."
Habit
"Women would rather be right than reasonable."
Woman
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