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"There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"The price of greatness is responsibility."
Responsibility
"Really I feel less keen about the Army every day. I think the Church would suit me better."
Identity
"If you have ten thousand regulations you destroy all respect for the law."
Wisdom
"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat."
Leadership
"Eating words has never given me indigestion."
Wisdom
"It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link of the chain of destiny can be handled at a time."
Destiny
"It is no use saying, 'We are doing our best.' You have got to succeed in doing what is necessary."
Success
"For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself."
Politics
"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few."
War
"If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice, I would have English Channels round every country. And the atmosphere would be such that anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire."
Humor
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