Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 19/59

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Humor Quotes

"Perhaps we've never been visited by aliens because they have looked upon Earth and decided there's no sign of intelligent life."

"Perhaps we've never been visited by aliens because they have looked upon Earth and decided there's no sign of intelligent life."

Neil deGrasse Tyson, American Author

Humor, Intelligence, Observation, Critique

28

"Too much coffee. Too much coffee and Gatorade. It's a hell of a mix. If you're ever tired in the morning, just try that mix, and tell me what you think."

"Too much coffee. Too much coffee and Gatorade. It's a hell of a mix. If you're ever tired in the morning, just try that mix, and tell me what you think."

Kevin Garnett, American Athlete

Humor, Coffee, Hell

28

"Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?' - Aunt Edna."

"Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?' - Aunt Edna."

Janet Evanovich, American Novelist

Humor, Character, Opinion, Personality

28

"I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. 'Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, 'I yelled. 'I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enoughmy hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!"

"I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. 'Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, 'I yelled. 'I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enoughmy hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!"

Janet Evanovich, American Novelist

Humor, Frustration, Truth, Emotion

28

"I like a very dry wit, not the big kind of humor like Robin Williams. I don't think I'm capable of that."

"I like a very dry wit, not the big kind of humor like Robin Williams. I don't think I'm capable of that."

Chris Cooper, American Actor

28

"One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you."

"One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you."

Larry Gelbart, American Writer

28

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

"Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!"

Bill Watterson, American Cartoonist

Humor, Observation, Play, Fun

28

"Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair."

"Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair."

Edith Wharton, American Author

Humor, Genius, Realism, Observation, Skill

28

"Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell..."

"Whatever demon invented stiletto-heeled boots should roast in hell..."

Cherise Sinclair, American Author

Humor, Frustration, Truth, Observation, Power

28

"I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish."

"I've got a new invention. It's a revolving bowl for tired goldfish."

Lefty Gomez, American Athlete

Humor, Invention

28

"That's disappointing,' Nick said. 'I was hoping to see you in action again. It's kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way.''Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete.''I thought you'd want me to be open about my feelings now that we're married."

"That's disappointing,' Nick said. 'I was hoping to see you in action again. It's kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way.''Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete.''I thought you'd want me to be open about my feelings now that we're married."

Janet Evanovich, American Novelist

Humor, Marriage, Truth, Observation

28

"Maybe it was me,' Grandma said.'Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?"

"Maybe it was me,' Grandma said.'Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?"

Janet Evanovich, American Novelist

Humor, Self, Truth, Awareness

28

"Clap an extinguisher upon your irony if you are unhappily blessed with a vein of it."

"Clap an extinguisher upon your irony if you are unhappily blessed with a vein of it."

Charles Lamb, English Critic

28

"What about you?' I kept my voice carefully indifferent. He flashed me a cold smile, sharp at the edges. 'Worried about me?' Because I couldn't think of anything snide to say, I stuck my tongue out at him. Jude wagged his head. 'More tongue exercises? Would have thought you'd had enough last night.' 'Go to hell.' 'Sorry, love, but we're already there."

"What about you?' I kept my voice carefully indifferent. He flashed me a cold smile, sharp at the edges. 'Worried about me?' Because I couldn't think of anything snide to say, I stuck my tongue out at him. Jude wagged his head. 'More tongue exercises? Would have thought you'd had enough last night.' 'Go to hell.' 'Sorry, love, but we're already there."

Becca Fitzpatrick, American Novelist

Humor, Sarcasm, Conflict, Communication

28

"Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard put to it to find sufficient material to make a canary a pair of cami-knickers."

"Had his brain been constructed of silk, he would have been hard put to it to find sufficient material to make a canary a pair of cami-knickers."

P. G. Wodehouse, English Writer

Humor, Absurdity, Observation, Imagination

28

"I try to bring it across on my record, in my dress, in what I do and what I say because to me humor is important. You should have a dose of that and I guess giving it is what I'm here for."

"I try to bring it across on my record, in my dress, in what I do and what I say because to me humor is important. You should have a dose of that and I guess giving it is what I'm here for."

Bootsy Collins, American Musician

Humor, Dress, Giving

28

"Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike."

"Me and Matt love to argue, but in general our sense of humor is pretty much alike."

Trey Parker, American Artist

Humor, Love, Pretty, Sense

28

"The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with."

"The best cure for a stick up your butt is a dog to play fetch with."

Ryan Lilly, American Entrepreneur

Humor, Playfulness, Stress, Animals

28

"Damn, the good words are all asterisked!"The men only understand the asterisks. My worry is if they understand the rest!"

"Damn, the good words are all asterisked!"The men only understand the asterisks. My worry is if they understand the rest!"

Pawan Mishra, Indian Author

Humor, Observation, Communication, Confusion

28

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Failure, Truth, Observation

28

"Holy freak show!"

"Holy freak show!"

Becca Fitzpatrick, American Novelist

Humor, Surprise, Expression, Emotion

28

"Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off."

"Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off."

Darynda Jones, American Author

Humor, Anger, Training, Self-Awareness

28

"*to thor* Zeus had replied that he had pulled fluffballs of lint out of his bellybutton that were bigger than Asgard."

"to thor Zeus had replied that he had pulled fluffballs of lint out of his bellybutton that were bigger than Asgard."

Eoin Colfer, Irish Author

Humor, Observation, Absurdity, Fantasy

28

"As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.""As a girl, I am compelled to protect what's left of my manicure," Petra said."

"As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers.""As a girl, I am compelled to protect what's left of my manicure," Petra said."

Libba Bray, American Author

Humor, Observation, Work, Life

28

"Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic."

"Langdon turned to Sophie. "Who is that? What... happened?"Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic."

Dan Brown, American Author

Humor, Survival, Irony, Perspective

28

"The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune."

"The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune."

Bert Williams, American Entertainer

Humor, Man, Misfortune, Sense

28

"She's terse. I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic."

"She's terse. I can be terse. Once, in flight school, I was laconic."

Joss Whedon, American Writer

Humor, Wit, Brevity, Irony

28

"Some marriages are made in heaven,Mine was made in Hong Kong, by the same people who make those little rubber pork chops they sell in the pet department at Kmart."

"Some marriages are made in heaven,Mine was made in Hong Kong, by the same people who make those little rubber pork chops they sell in the pet department at Kmart."

Tom Robbins, American Author

Humor, Marriage, Social Commentary, Absurdity

28

"They call me, The Sharkalator."

"They call me, The Sharkalator."

James Patterson, American Author

Humor, Identity, Confidence, Playfulness

28

"Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done. He winked at Butler.'Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water.Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. 'Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.'Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you're wearing that smug smile of yours."

"Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done. He winked at Butler.'Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water.Artemis smiled, enjoying the exchange. 'Water? Surely not. The only thing flowing here is information.'Are you grinning, Artemis? For some reason I get the feeling that you're wearing that smug smile of yours."

Eoin Colfer, Irish Author

Humor, Observation, Work, Life

28

"I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God."

"I threatened to kung fu you. Oh my God."

Jill Shalvis, American Novelist

Humor, Threat, Expression, Truth

28

"Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!"

"Fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class - Hope your surgery went well!"

Simone Elkeles, American Author

Humor, Medicine, Irony, Health

28

"Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age."

"Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age."

Madeleine L'Engle, American Novelist

Humor, Quotes, Aging, Disease

28

"On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor."

"On the first floor, the first rule of a rumor was humor."

Pawan Mishra, Indian Author

Humor, Irony, Communication, Play

28

"Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is.Come let us fart in the home.There is no art in a fart.Still a fart may not be artless.Let us fart and artless fart in the home."

"Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is.Come let us fart in the home.There is no art in a fart.Still a fart may not be artless.Let us fart and artless fart in the home."

Ernest Hemingway, American Novelist

Humor, Home, Comfort, Expression

28

"Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw -- I don't say she will but she can."

"Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw -- I don't say she will but she can."

Dorothy Parker, American Poet

Humor, Animals, Intelligence, Truth

28

"The president of General Motors was in a foul humor."

"The president of General Motors was in a foul humor."

Arthur Hailey, Canadian Novelist

Humor, President

28

"Ranger is an unusual name,' she managed. 'Is it a nickname?'It's a street name,' Ranger said. 'I was a Ranger in the army.'I heard about them Rangers on TV,' Grandma said. 'I heard they get dogs pregnant.'My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.That's sort of a joke,' I told Grandma. 'Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life.'I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile."

"Ranger is an unusual name,' she managed. 'Is it a nickname?'It's a street name,' Ranger said. 'I was a Ranger in the army.'I heard about them Rangers on TV,' Grandma said. 'I heard they get dogs pregnant.'My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.That's sort of a joke,' I told Grandma. 'Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life.'I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile."

Janet Evanovich, American Novelist

Humor, Observation, Family, Storytelling

28

"There are no good tights, Rare they are, a rare sight. You roll and roll Inside a new hole, They re only good for a fight."

"There are no good tights, Rare they are, a rare sight. You roll and roll Inside a new hole, They re only good for a fight."

Ana Claudia Antunes, Brazilian Singer

Humor, Observation, Fight, Reality

28

"As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, Who goes to bed with whom."

"As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, Who goes to bed with whom."

Dorothy L. Sayers, British Author

Humor, Bed, Care

27

"We want you to visit our State of Excitement often. Come again and again. But for heaven's sake, don't move here to live. Or if you do have to move in to live, don't tell any of your neighbors where you are going."

"We want you to visit our State of Excitement often. Come again and again. But for heaven's sake, don't move here to live. Or if you do have to move in to live, don't tell any of your neighbors where you are going."

Tom McCall, American Politician

Humor, Excitement, Heaven, Neighbors, State

27

"A lot of my humor does come from anger. It's like, you're not gonna pull one over on me - which is pretty much my motto anyways."

"A lot of my humor does come from anger. It's like, you're not gonna pull one over on me - which is pretty much my motto anyways."

Courteney Cox, American Actress

Humor, Anger, Pretty

27

"Are all firefighters as hot as you?"

"Are all firefighters as hot as you?"

Lisa Kessler, American Author

Humor, Attraction, Curiosity, Admiration, Fun

27

"People come up to me as I leave the stage after a performance and tell me tey saw my mother onstage with me every time I sing. I keep a sense of humor about it."

"People come up to me as I leave the stage after a performance and tell me tey saw my mother onstage with me every time I sing. I keep a sense of humor about it."

Lorna Luft, American Actress

Humor, Time, Mother, People

27

"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress."

"I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress."

Peter Stone, American Writer

Humor, Congress, Disgrace, Law, Man

27

"Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it."

"Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it."

Langston Hughes, American Poet

27

"If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor."

"If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor."

Jennifer Jones, American Actress

Humor, Life, Sense

27

"What do you think about having some orgasms to celebrate?"

"What do you think about having some orgasms to celebrate?"

Thea Harrison, American Author

Humor, Desire, Playfulness, Affection

27

"You're more trouble than you're worth." "I'm a girl. That's my job."

"You're more trouble than you're worth." "I'm a girl. That's my job."

Tamora Pierce, American Author

Humor, Truth, Observation, Power

27

"I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time."

"I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Cats, Power, Leadership, Animals

27

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