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"All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."
College
"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
Man
"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."
Want
"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."
Father
"A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done."
People
"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."
Men
"If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race."
Race
"Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you."
Men
"A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better."
Press
"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars."
Mistake
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