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"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."
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"Dr. Johnson was a lazy learned man who liked to think and talk better than to read or write; who, however, wrote much and well, but too often by rote."
"When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package."
"After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands."
"The best of men cannot suspend their fate: The good die early, and the bad die late."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."
"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."
"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."
"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."
"I would say that the single most important conclusion I reached after traveling through Japan as well as countless hours reading studying and analyzing this fascinating culture is that you should always tighten the cap on the shampoo bottle before you put it in your suitcase."
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