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"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."
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"When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package."
"The historian must have some conception of how men who are not historians behave. Otherwise he will move in a world of the dead. He can only gain that conception through personal experience, and he can only use his personal experiences when he is a genius."
"What a man believes may be ascertained, not from his creed, but from the assumptions on which he habitually acts."
"A sudden bold and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."
"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."
"Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example."
"Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?'This translates roughly to: 'How the hell did these people win the Cold War?"
"Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism."
"Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift."
"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."
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