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"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."
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"When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package."
"The ideas gained by men before they are twenty-five are practically the only ideas they shall have in their lives."
"It is the child in man that is the source of his uniqueness and creativeness, and the playground is the optimal milieu for the unfolding of his capacities and talents."
"The historian must have some conception of how men who are not historians behave. Otherwise he will move in a world of the dead. He can only gain that conception through personal experience, and he can only use his personal experiences when he is a genius."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry
"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry."
"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
"We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin."
"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column."
"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
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