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"Flying from the U.S. to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school."
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"The Scarehouse is like Turkey Soap. The Girl House is better as a film!"

"The moment you compare yourself with another, you become inferior or superior."

"Lightning thief was good but the sea of monsters is better and has more action!"

"The dividing line between those who will be great and those who will be mediocre is the amount of time each person converts into added value to himself."

"He who hunts deer must not boast to he who hunts buffalo."

"Prostitutes are paid for taking their clothes off. Celebrities are paid for putting others' clothes on."

"Spirituality is to Religion, what Love is to Marriage. Spirituality is an emotional state of the mind, just like Love, while Religion on the other hand, is a social construct, quite like Marriage."

"You may as well say, 'That's a valiant flea that dare eat his breakfast on the lip of a lion."

"Comparison is a disease, one of the greatest diseases."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."

"Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example."

"Kakimi chertyami oni viigrali holodnuyu voinu?'This translates roughly to: 'How the hell did these people win the Cold War?"

"Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism."

"Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift."

"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."
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