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"In the kitchen, I turn on a TV set that has hundreds of channels devoted to every conceivable subject including celebrity bunion removal (This week: David Hasselhoff). I tune in to one of the literally dozens of news shows, all of which feature a format of 55 percent celebrities promoting things, 30 percent emails from viewers, and 15 percent YouTube videos showing bears jumping on trampolines. While I'm catching up on these developments, I turn on the programmable coffeemaker, which I hope that someday, perhaps by attending community college, I will learn to program."
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"Television is now the dominant factor in the lives of too many American children."
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Personal Development
"As far as the media is concerned, I wouldn't shoot anything down."
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Personal Development
"No, United Artists was a very extraordinary organization, because once they had agreed on the director, they believed in letting him have his way. They trusted me, and that doesn't often happen."
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"The press these days should be rather careful about its role. We may have acquired some tendencies about over-involvement that we had better overcome."
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"I'm not one of those leeching sons of bitches. I want to earn everything I get."
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Personal Development
"Well, American dialects have been studied for a hundred years or so."
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"TV happens. And once it's happened, it's gone. When it's gone, you move on, no tears, no tantrums, no videotape."
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"The agenda of the Media is not to inform you, they don't care about you, they are trying to show you the truth. There are some intelligent Christians but they can't find them and put on the air ...for instance me."
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"Sensationalism dies quickly, fear is long-lived."
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"A rumor is usually a lie that the media can legally profit from."
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"Maybe somebody finally shot the dog."
Sadness
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
Duty
"Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash."
Driving
"I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating."
Competition
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
Circumstance
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
Building
"The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida."
Grandparents
"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."
Statistics
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
Fact
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
Death
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