"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

Man, Men, Women, Thinking

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"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

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"The historian must have some conception of how men who are not historians behave. Otherwise he will move in a world of the dead. He can only gain that conception through personal experience, and he can only use his personal experiences when he is a genius."

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"A man seldom thinks with more earnestness of anything than he does of his dinner."

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"I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; A stage where every man must play a part, And mine is a sad one."

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"A sudden bold and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open."

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"A great many men's gratitude is nothing but a secret desire to hook in more valuable kindnesses hereafter."

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Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."

Humor

"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."

Society

"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."

Time

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

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"Oh, I'm not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example."

Satire

"Call me a proud American, if you want, but I truly believe that no other nation on Earth possesses the capabilities to put on a more powerful display of underwater mermaid patriotism."

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"Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift."

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"Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around."

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"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."

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"The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida."

Grandparents