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"Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism."
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"The two keys to success as a sportswriter are: 1) A blind willingness to believe anything you're told by the coaches, flacks, hustlers and other "official spokesmen" for the team-owners who provide the free booze ... and: 2) A Roget's Thesaurus, in order to avoid using the same verbs and adjectives twice in the same paragraph.Even a sports editor, for instance, might notice something wrong with a lead that said: "The precision-jack-hammer attack of the Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the Washington Redskins today by stomping and hammering with one precise jack-thrust after another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint-precision passes into the flat and numerous hammer-jack stomps around both ends...."

"So much for Objective Journalism. Don't bother to look for it here--not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms."

"As electronic journalism came to be evaluated for its cost effectiveness, the network world began breaking up."

"Journalism never admits that nothing much is happening."

"I worked for a newspaper in Europe for, I lived in Europe for about seven years, so I worked in this sort of a yellow journalism kind of a thing, it was like a scandal sheet."

"Thirty years ago, in 1976, the notion of organized activity to combat discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity was an extremely controversial one."

"If anyone was talking about journalism in the '50s - it was Edward R.Murrow."

"If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera."

"Fantasy should be as close as possible to journalism."

"The First Amendment does not guarantee the press a constitutional right of special access to information not available to the general public, nor does it cloak the inmate with special rights of freedom of speech."
Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."

"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."

"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."

"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
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