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Dave Barry

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

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"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

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Amber Hurdle

"The world is "sick" with loneliness in spite of multitudes of people living in it."

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Amber Hurdle

"So you've been gone a couple days,' Alison said. 'Hmm, what'd you miss...A celebrity did drugs. Politicians disagreed. A different celebrity wore a bikini that revealed a bodily imperfection. A team won a sporting event, but another team lost.' I smiled. 'You can't go disappearing on everybody like this, Hazel. You miss too much."

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Amber Hurdle

"Our minds of infinite possibilities have been plowed, seeded and cultivated by every word, institution and sacred belief we hold dear, to produce a foul harvest of exclusion, apathy, brute domination and death."

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Amber Hurdle

"In a stress pressure-cooker like America, I believe we will see more and more shooting massacres. Violence is in our cultural DNA."

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Amber Hurdle

"A society becomes a breeding ground of violence and terrorism when it closes its door to new ideas and forces the citizens to live in the prison of conforming thoughts."

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Amber Hurdle

"Oh shit did you just dis the feminine genderI'll pummel your ass then stick you in a blenderYou think I like Tori and Ani so I can't rhymeBut I got flow like Ghostbusters got slimeObjectify women and it's fuckin' onYou'll be dead and gone like ancient Babylon."

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Amber Hurdle

"I was pure, before you defiled me, and don't you forget it. As though the concept of purity is anything more than the construct of selfish, competitive men stampeding toward the women to call dibs. I'll be damned if I'm not worth stampeding toward, but the prize had better be me, hymen or no hymen."

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Amber Hurdle

"Don't judge people by their religious, cultural, or professional background. Judge if you must, by their behavior with other people."

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Amber Hurdle

"Oh! You are a woman! You are the pure reflection of my mother, sister, and daughter. I can never hurt you."

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Amber Hurdle

"And Englishmen like posing as gods."

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Dave Barry
"Maybe somebody finally shot the dog."
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Dave Barry
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."
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Dave Barry
"Miami drivers will attempt to pass you inside a car wash."
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Dave Barry
"I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating."
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Dave Barry
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
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Dave Barry
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
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Dave Barry
"The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida."
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Dave Barry
"Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects."
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Dave Barry
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
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Dave Barry
"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."
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