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All Quotes Collection
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
31
"There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."
59
"The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example."
18
"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."
11
"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition."
36
"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."
38
"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."
17
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
16
"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."
30
"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"
21
"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."
46
"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column."
24
"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."
12
"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"
Job,
35
"Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep."
47
"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
26
"Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions."
45
"Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes."
39
"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down."
16
"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."
19
"And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West."
15
"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
13
"It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."
28
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
33
"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."
13
"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."
12
"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."
27
"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."
48
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
20
"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."
14
"In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid."
52
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
14
"Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators."
19
"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word."
41
"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"
24
"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry."
29
"I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories."
14
"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems."
45
"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care."
Care,
45
"In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps."
39
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
43
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
39
"I have to admit I didn't do as much as I should have back when I was mayor, but now we're getting it done. It's not where you've been but where you're going."
Now,
29
"Aside from the murders, DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
27
"People who don't know me have opinions about me. That's the part that's very hurtful. Because how do you form an opinion about somebody if you've never met them or spent any time with them? So it's all based upon hearsay or things that they've read."
23
"In life it wasn't what you know, but who you know. I had people who were trying to buy teams and had they bought the teams, I would have gotten to coach because they wanted me to coach. But the people who have the teams hire their friends."
27
"It's only in relatively recent years that Hollywood became the playground of multinational corporations which regard movies and TV shows as a minor irritant to their overall activity."
40
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