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"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development
"Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too."
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Personal Development
"Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism, are all very good words for the lips."
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Personal Development
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"Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting."
Humor
"American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it."
Humor
"As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula."
Humor
"The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes."
Religion
"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."
Humor
"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."
Computer
"Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column."
Chance
"The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting."
History
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Car
"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems."
Car
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