"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."

Humor, Baby, Nothing, Open

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"If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland."

Exlpore more Humor quotes

"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."

Debasish Mridha, American Author

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"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

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"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."

Richelle E. Goodrich, American Poet

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"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

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"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

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"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

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"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."

Kenneth Grahame, Scottish Novelist

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"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

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"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

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"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."

Mokokoma Mokhonoana, South African Philosopher

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Explore more quotes by Dave Barry

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."

Humor

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."

Religion

"The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot."

Computer

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."

Car

"My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible."

Humor

"We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective."

Society

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."

Life

"The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter."

Sports

"It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent."

Travel

"I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer."

Purpose