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Quotes by Comedian
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
44
"My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me."
44
"Curb Your Enthusiasm, is not so much about Hollywood. It's more about Larry's weaknesses."
44
"I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing."
44
"Sophistication might be described as the ability to cope gracefully with a situation involving the presence of a formidable menace to one's poise and prestige (such as the butler, or the man under the bed - but never the husband)."
44
"Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease."
44
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour."
44
"When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room."
44
"In my experience with women that I've dated and my wife now, is you have to know what they care about. And even if you aren't a huge fan of it, you still have to have interest in it and it has to be genuine because women do it for men all the time."
44
"New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi."
44
"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment."
Work,
43
"Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks."
43
"The head writer loves that my character is a boor."
43
"It is a weird thing, because most people tend to get more conservative as they get older, but I find myself going the opposite way. I am sure that by the end I will be selling Marxist pamphlets on the Holloway Road."
43
"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day."
43
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."
43
"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."
43
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
43
"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."
43
"It's great when you have people who will speak passionately and honestly about what they are doing."
43
"I can remember the first face-lift show that came on. I rang up everyone - are you watching? I'm watching."
43
"I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself."
43
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