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"Medical researchers don't know much about head lice because they don't much care. The reason that they don't much care is, paradoxically, that they know a lot. That is, they know one important thing: there is no evidence that head lice transmit disease."
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"Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen."
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Personal Development
"I used my history degree about twice a year whether I needed to or not."
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Personal Development
"Pragmatism is good prevention for problems."
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Personal Development
"Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place."
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Personal Development
"It is better to be a pragmatist than a lunatic."
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Personal Development
"Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum."
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Personal Development
"We must consult our means rather than our wishes."
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Personal Development
"Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10."
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Personal Development
"The really essential factors of success in any undertaking are money and opportunity, and as a rule, the man who can make the first can make the second."
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Personal Development
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
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"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased."
America
"Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue."
Legal
"Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power."
Love
"Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce."
Marriage
"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."
Government
"In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character."
History
"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."
Life
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
Nothing
"Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope."
Cows
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible."
Woman
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