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"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
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"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children."
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Personal Development
"Were we closer to the ground as children, or is the grass emptier now?"
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Personal Development
"Children dwell in their dreams. Get them the wings and they'll fly."
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Personal Development
"Children have to be educated, but they have also to be left to educate themselves."
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Personal Development
"Parents provide their children with genes as well as an environment, so the fact that talkative parents have kids with good language skills could simply mean that and that the same genes that make parents talkative make children articulate."
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Personal Development
"You know you've made it when you've been moulded in miniature plastic. But you know what children do with Barbie dolls - it's a bit scary, actually."
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Personal Development
"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain."
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Personal Development
"If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."
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Personal Development
"Still, most of those effects occur in the context of harmless play and it is patently obvious that children are not normally turned into aggressive little monsters by TV or video games, since most children do not become aggressive little monsters."
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Personal Development
"Children are very cruel, yes. Of course. Children are extraordinarily cruel little creatures."
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"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
People
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?"
Children
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
Family
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
Today
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