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Humor Quotes
"It seems to me that humour is everybody's way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don't know whether you've noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it's nearly always a mini fantasy."
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"The polls indicated that I was feisty, that I was tough, that I had a sense of humor, but they weren't quite sure if they liked me and they didn't know whether or not that I was sensitive."
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"There is also this benefit in brag, that the speaker is unconsciously expressing his own ideal. Humor him by all means, draw it all out, and hold him to it."
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"You see, that's another thing that my parents gave me: an enormously great sense of humor."
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"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."
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"The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense."
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"Even people that I agree with can do something that would be a target for a bit of humor."
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"I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive."
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"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat."
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"I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found, I said to the man searching my pants. "You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two."
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"Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger."
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"Been eating candies, have you?""You sent those?" She kept her mouth closed as much as possible."Of course." He picked up the brown bad of candy on the table. "What's your..." He trailed off as he weighed the bad in his hands. "Didn't I give you three pounds of candy?"She smiled impishly."You ate half the bag!""Was I supposed to save it?""I would have liked some!""You never told me that.""Because I didn't expect you to consume all of it before breakfast!"She snatched the bag from him and put it on the table. "Well, that just hows poor judgement on your part, doesn't it?"
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"Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes! Dee shrieked. "My eyes!"
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"I never knew, apes talk. Apparently, you do."
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"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
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"Anybody who plays the stock market not as an insider is like a man buying cows in the moonlight."
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"Don't do anything stupid.""Don't worry," I whispered over the line, "I'm an expert on stupid.""You're...""Like, I can spot stupidity, because I know it so well. The way an exterminator knows bugs really well, and can spot where they've been? I'm like that. A stupidinator.""Never say that word again," Prof said."
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"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."
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"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."
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"Vice is a creature of such hideous mien... that the more you see it the better you like it."
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"What a sense of superiority it gives one to escape reading some book which everyone else is reading."
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"I spent most of my youth hauling sides of beef and pork to my father's shop. Carrying you is far more enjoyable.""How sweet," Annabelle mumbled sickly, her eyes closed. "Every woman dreams of being told that she's preferable to a dead cow."
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"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?""Ask a glass of water!"
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"A consultant: someone brought in to build a one-handled wheelbarrow."
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"Moths," repeats Will. "You're afraid of moths?" "Not just a cloud of moths," she says, "like...a swarm of them. Everywhere. All those wings and legs and..." She shudders and shakes her head."Terrifying," Will says with mock seriousness. "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls.""Oh, Shut up."
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"He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn."
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"No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon."
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"Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks."
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"George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie."
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"Nice work," he said.I grinned."You look like hell, though," he noted."I doubt hell has this much Kool-Aid," I replied."
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"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me."
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