"My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it."

"Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth."

"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."

"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."

"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer."

"When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance."

"I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary."

"I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year."

"If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward."

"Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year."