"The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance."

"When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout."

"There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us."

"If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else."

"Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder."

"Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience."

"Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings."

"An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it."

"Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work."

"A censor is an expert in cutting remarks. A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."

"As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't."

"A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know."

"You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes."

"Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame."

"Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence."

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."

"A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street."

"Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices."

"In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence."

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."

"Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent."

"The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure."

"Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car."

"Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them."

"Don't believe in miracles - depend on them."

"Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other."

"America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there."

"Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise."

"Nobody can be perfect unless he admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?"

"Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object."

"A man convinced against his will is not convinced."

"Men now monopolize the upper levels... depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities for incompetence."

"Slump, and the world slumps with you. Push, and you push alone."

"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."

"The seaman tells stories of winds, the ploughman of bulls; the soldier details his wounds, the shepherd his sheep."

"The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure."

"You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job."

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."

"Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively."

"Everyone rises to their level of incompetence."

"Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."

"Against logic there is no armor like ignorance."

"Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert."

"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?"

"Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away."

"Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status."