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"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
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"The real satire starts when I'm shockingly mocked,not mockingly shocked."
"CHARTERIS [unfolding his arms in terror] No, please. Dont. As a philosopher, it's my business to tell other people the truth; but it's not their business to tell it to me. I dont like it: it hurts."
"How was I supposed to know 'lucked out' means 'I got screwed over' in Australian?"
"I believe the phrase you're looking for is 'too much money and not enough things to spend it on."
"Where did you find that one?''I have no idea. I'm a magnet for crazies, I guess.''They must be able to sense a kindred spirit.''Your one to talk. Don't you have more hordes of the undead to lead in a glorious revolution?''Zombies not undead. There's a fine distinction. And no. Right now I'm scouting new talent. The glorious revolution comes tomorrow."
"I realized women and humor were linked very closely."
"A good joke doesn't necessarily need appreciation from others. One can freely laugh at one's own deserving jokes."
"Vampires. Honestly, they're like children sometimes."
Explore more quotes by Bill Vaughan
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
"People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong."
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
"Maybe the answer to Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed."
"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college."
"In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season."
"It would be nice if the poor were to get even half of the money that is spent in studying them."
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them."
"The wonderful world of home appliances now makes it possible to cook indoors with charcoal and outdoors with gas."
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