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"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
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"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."
Explore more quotes by Bill Vaughan
"Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college."
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm."
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
"People learn something every day, and a lot of times it's that what they learned the day before was wrong."
"Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day."
"I'm an actor. And I guess I've done so many movies I've achieved some high visibility. But a star? I guess I still think of myself as kind of a worker ant."
"Maybe the answer to Selective Service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed."
"The Vice-Presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does."
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