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Humor Quotes
"Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq."
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"Home, I think. But it's nowhere I can go back to."
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"Which isn't, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass."
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"Polygamy: An endeavour to get more out of life than there is in it."
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"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word."
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"Don't take life too seriously. Punch it in the face when it needs a good hit. Laugh at it."
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"A better ending could not have been scripted. Of course, if we had won, that would have been better."
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"Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small and laughter abundant."
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"I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate."
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"Don't bruise the Foo!"
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"Let me say right here, if I haven't made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so don't be surprised if you someday find me wandering the moors at midnight, a crazed look in my eye, babbling about albino Tater Tots nesting in Brillo pads and being pursued by sagging man ass, because that shit can happen when you've been traumatized."
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"It's one of the reasons I don't do drugs. One sniff and I'd go all the way."
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"I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy."
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"Oakley won't," the duke said.She turned and blinked. "I beg your pardon.""Lord Oakley. He won't forget to find us rooms. I've known him for years. The only thing that is making this bearable is that he must be dying inside over all this.""You don't like him?""On the contrary. I've long considered him a friend. It's why I enjoy his misery so much."
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"John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep."Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation.""Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you."
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"Kicking a police car? Really?' Caleb shrugged. 'Car offended me. It was sitting right where I wanted to stand. What would you do?"
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"The judge's massive eyebrows crept up. "Kaldar. Are you the one speaking for the plaintiff today?" "Yes, Your Honor.""Well, shit," Dobe said. "I guess you're familiar with the law. You hit it over the head, set its house on fire, and got its sister pregnant."
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"You never know what you will find in your pants!"
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"I came to the table, pulled up a chair, and sat. "Everyone brought a pet. I feel left out. An enthusiastic howl broke the silence, and Grendel bounded through the doorway. He galloped through the steak house, skidded on the floor, smashed into my chair, and dropped a dead rat on my lap. Awesome."
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"When asking about ones age the question asked is how old are you.I would hereby like to advocate rephrasing this as - how young are you?"
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"Elizabeth, you resemble nothing so much as a hen trying to hatch a book."
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"Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."
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"I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it."
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"At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me."
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"I don't know who tried to teach him what to do in the bedroom, but it must have been a furniture salesman."
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"Hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says."
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"You still are? There go my plans! And the suit I had bought to attend your funeral. Well, well. Anyway, do call me up when you an't."
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"You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.''And yet it is still extremely funny."
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"I'll get you and your little dog too?' You say your girl can't pay me back? Believe me when I say that that little gift's just gonna keep right on giving."
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"It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood."
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"Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away."
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"Academics tend to have wonderfully infantile senses of humor."
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"A fly Sir may sting a stately horse and make him wince but one is but an insect and the other a horse still."
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