"If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl."

"There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible, and wrong."

"The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule."

"When a new source of taxation is found it never means, in practice, that the old source is abandoned. It merely means that the politicians have two ways of milking the taxpayer where they had one before."

"Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it."

"Each party steals so many articles of faith from the other, and the candidates spend so much time making each other's speeches, that by the time election day is past there is nothing much to do save turn the sitting rascals out and let a new gang in."

"Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop."

"Man is a beautiful machine that works very badly."

"A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman."

"No man ever quite believes in any other man. One may believe in an idea absolutely, but not in a man."

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers."

"Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious."

"Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon."

"The only really happy folk are married women and single men."

"Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time."

"I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time."

"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."

"Man weeps to think that he will die so soon; woman, that she was born so long ago."

"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom."

"Every man is his own hell."

"To die for an idea; it is unquestionably noble. But how much nobler it would be if men died for ideas that were true!"

"The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated."

"Injustice is relatively easy to bear; what sting is justice."

"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."

"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard."

"An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup."

"Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body."

"Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong."

"Temptation is a woman's weapon and man's excuse."

"No matter how long he lives, no man ever becomes as wise as the average woman of forty-eight."

"As the arteries grow hard, the heart grows soft."

"There is a saying in Baltimore that crabs may be prepared in fifty ways and that all of them are good."

"Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age."

"The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral."

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too."

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."

"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."

"Judge: a law student who marks his own examination-papers."

"It is impossible to imagine the universe run by a wise, just and omnipotent God, but it is quite easy to imagine it run by a board of gods."

"Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ."

"It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office."

"Honor is simply the morality of superior men."

"Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas."

"Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them."

"Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."

"One may no more live in the world without picking up the moral prejudices of the world than one will be able to go to hell without perspiring."

"Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on."

"It is not materialism that is the chief curse of the world, as pastors teach, but idealism. Men get into trouble by taking their visions and hallucinations too seriously."

"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."

"Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing."