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Humor Quotes
"At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but for a few well-placed flowers, and he'd likely puke at her feet.No, no, she ought to be completely naked. If he was going to prove the existence of a goddess, right here in this room, she was damned well going to be naked.He'd still puke on her feet, though."
37
"Words are wind, and the wind from Manderly's mouth means no more than the wind escaping his bottom."
37
"Now that we know about his indigestion, we can torture him with cake."
37
"Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall."
37
""Very well." "Say it." "Say what?" "Say my name. Say, 'Very well, Dorian.' "She rolled her eyes. "If it pleases Your Magnanimous Holiness, I shall call you by your first name.""
37
"Much was said, and much was ate, and all went well."
37
"There was a small boy of Quebec Who was buried in snow to the neck: When they said 'Are you friz?' He replied 'Yes I is - But we don't call this cold in Quebec!'"
37
"I am neither a homosexual nor a eunuch, nor have I ever taken any vows of chastity."
36
"It seems to me that humour is everybody's way of keeping sane and standing off from the situations so that they can see it intellectually, as well as emotionally, and I don't know whether you've noticed, but if somebody tells a joke, it's nearly always a mini fantasy."
36
"I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor."
36
"There is also this benefit in brag, that the speaker is unconsciously expressing his own ideal. Humor him by all means, draw it all out, and hold him to it."
36
"That's the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm."
36
"Some major writers have a huge impact, like Ayn Rand, who to my mind is a lousy fiction writer because her writing has no compassion and virtually no humor. She has a philosophical and economical message that she is passing off as fiction, but it really isn't fiction at all."
36
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
36
"Seth discovered that night that he had two extra stomachs, one for vodka and one for overeating."
36
"When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!"
36
"My husband says it is very good that I have very tiny feet, because they're easier to get in my mouth."
36
"Would you like to borrow a pair of my panties to wave around at the next Council meeting to get the point across?His eyes flashed. "Got any to spare? I could've picked somebody rational. But no, I had to fall in love with this arrogant idiot. Come to the Keep with me, be my princess. Mourn me when your crazy dad kills me. Yeah, right."
36
"Woman: the peg on which the wit hangs his jest, the preacher his text, the cynic his grouch and the sinner his justification."
36
"I'm pretty sure those're my balls you've found, I said to the man searching my pants. "You gonna count 'em out now? Because I'll save you the trouble. There's two."
36
"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
36
"I was feeling the height of bitchiness."
36
"And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor."
36
"I'm sorry," she said humbly. "I haven't wanted to lie to you.""I should hope so. You're the worst liar I've ever met." He thought about it for a moment, then added, "--or the best. Now I'm all confused."
36
"I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari-I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful."
36
"I think that people's sexual preferences are a legitimate subject for humour, dirty humour if at all possible."
36
"A consultant: someone brought in to build a one-handled wheelbarrow."
36
"You are such a sleazeball, Rhodes-walking, talking proof of why siblings shouldn't marry."
36
"Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!"
36
"Far be it from me to ever let my common sense get in the way of my stupidity. I say we press on."
36
"IQ's are a combination of eyes, and queues. Would you wait in line to see my goat show? Of course you wouldn't, because the line is invisible."
36
"If I used a higher percentage of my brain I wouldn't of had to ride on the short bus."
36
"The hon. gentleman had better spare his interrogations if they are as senseless as that one."
36
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