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"Satire is focused bitterness."
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"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
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Personal Development

"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
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Personal Development

"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development

"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
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"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"
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"Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple."
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"Monkeys who very sensibly refrain from speech, lest they should be set to earn their livings."
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Personal Development

"Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?'Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!'Ha ha,' agreed Moist.Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-'Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed.Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled."
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"This was beyond a joke. This had moved beyond foolishness, slipped over the line into genuine 24 karat Jesus-Christ-I-fucked-up-bigtime territory."
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"Some kid asked what a dilemma is. And I replied: When a starving man has to choose between a plate of food, and, a roll of toilet paper."
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"Humor is the affectionate communication of insight."
Humor

"Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad."
Humor

"Why did God give me two ears and one mouth? So that I will hear more and talk less."
God

"An angel is a spiritual creature created by God without a body for the service of Christendom and the church."
God

"Satire is focused bitterness."
Humor

"If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it."
Wrong

"I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe."
People

"The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it."
Being

"Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined."
Courage

"A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood."
Writing
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