"Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down."

"Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet."

"Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral."

"Quit worrying about your health. It will go away."

"If you can laugh together, you can work together."

"Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get."

"Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards."

"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."

"Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'"

"Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success."

"Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."

"Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price."

"Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!"

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."

"A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in."

"Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?"

"To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so."

"Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected."

"More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments."

"Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself."

"Do your kids a favor - don't have any."

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success."

"Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people."

"Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator."

"With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!"