"A person without regrets is called a corpse."

"If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting."

"If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?"

"When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all."

"Sex is all right, but a hot fudge sundae don't never ask if the baby's really his."

"Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same."

"In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose."

"What if there's no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?"

"Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after."

"Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore."

"She may be an old flame, but she still smokin'."

"Just when you think you have life by the tail, it's likely to whip around and take a hunk outta your balls."

"Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death."

"A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system."

"There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls."

"I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet."

"Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing."

"The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments."

"I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train."

"If you don't like your teeth, keep your mouth shut."

"Celibacy sucks, no pun intended."

"You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing."

"Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage."

"Love is like skydiving without a parachute."

"Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10."

"I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam."

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot."

"Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt."

"There is no greater hell than realizing you're in love with the guy you hate."

"It'd hardly be worth having a brother at all, if you couldn't smack him in the head every once in a while."

"Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen."

"In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses."

"It ate a party till someone ends up naked."

"In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life."

"He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy."

"I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on."

"You don't need to be smarter, you just need dumber friends."

"Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so."

"The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts."

"Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands."

"A wedding is no way to begin a marriage."

"Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end."

"Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too."

"Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster."

"You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties."

"In my experience, "what the hell" is generally the most interesting decision."

"Sometimes it's nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes."

"Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air."

"You guys gotta get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father."

"There aren't many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it's a woman with really big knockers."