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"You don't need to be smarter, you just need dumber friends."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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"You don't need to be smarter, you just need dumber friends."
Humor
"It is far better to know the painful truth than to live with a kindly falsehood."
Honesty
"Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass."
Consequences
"A wedding is no way to begin a marriage."
Time
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but tequila makes it so she doesn't give a shit if she's fond of you are not."
Irony
"Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops."
Irony
"When men age they're called sophisticated. When women age they ain't called at all."
Aging
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot."
Insult
"You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing."
Admiration
"In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses."
Creation
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