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Quotes by Comedian
"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."
26
"There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages."
26
"I've had a lot of struggles and I would be in a lot of trouble, I think, if I wasn't a Christian."
26
"At CBS, I'm in your house. I'm mindful of that. When I do standup, you're in my home and I can say what I want to."
26
"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."
26
"When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that."
26
"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."
26
"We've seen so many films now, that you have to be on par with the best films that have preceded you. You just can't make any movie and it will be good."
26
"Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort."
26
"Americans appreciate bad taste or America wouldn't look the way America does."
26
"It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money."
25
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
25
"Manufacturers are making products kosher to get in on that market, plus more people are looking for kosher."
25
"Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet."
25
"We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people."
25
"It took me 20 years of making movies to learn how to do it."
25
"I have had the unfortunate experience of having someone write an unauthorised biography of me. Half of it is lies and the other half is badly written. My feeling is that if I'm going to write my life story, I ought to have my life first."
25
"I used to think no one should go into show biz, but now I feel differently. I now feel like it's a great career. If you can do it and make money at it and still not be so famous that you can have a normal life - then I think it's a great career."
25
"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."
25
"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"
25
"Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers."
25
"A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?"
End,
25
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."
25
"You know, I've done this show for six years, and this could be the first time that I had a person that actually got no points, and I think it's a damn fine way to go out. I thought I was a loser until you walked up here; you made me feel like a man."
25
"I am consumed with the fear of failing. Reaching deep down and finding confidence has made all my dreams come true."
25
"As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."
25
"I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me."
25
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