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Quotes by Comedian
"There are some people who believe that these are not real stories with real people, but they actually are."
34
"An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show here ankles to to get that job?"
34
"There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages."
34
"NEW RULE: 'Kidiots' Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a 'watch what you say' administration...George W. Bush once asked, 'is our children learning.' No, they isn't. A better question would be, 'is our teacher's teaching?"
34
"When I wasn't as attractive as I am now, I suffered at the hands of cruel children and their taunts until I realised that confidence and a bit of aesthetic care can overcome that."
34
"I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps."
34
"Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?"
34
"It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!"
Men,
34
"I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book."
34
"The best and brightest don't go into politics. The best and brightest are at Goldman Sachs."
34
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
34
"I touched an Oscar once. Friend of mine has one, for writing. As soon as I touched it, he said, Now you'll never win one."
33
"Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt."
33
"It's never a good idea for a celebrity to sign autographs or take pictures if a crowd is gathering."
33
"The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down."
33
"There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory."
33
"Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet."
33
"We made this movie for $17, and nobody got anything. So it never dawned on me that we would get real people."
33
"I have had the unfortunate experience of having someone write an unauthorised biography of me. Half of it is lies and the other half is badly written. My feeling is that if I'm going to write my life story, I ought to have my life first."
33
"I used to think no one should go into show biz, but now I feel differently. I now feel like it's a great career. If you can do it and make money at it and still not be so famous that you can have a normal life - then I think it's a great career."
33
"A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?"
33
"Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?"
33
"A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal."
33
"The First Amendment only says 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.' It can disrespect all it wants."
33
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