Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 38/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"And I love Mel Brooks. My Dad loved his movies, too, they're awesome, the kind of thing that if you're in for ten minutes, you're in for two hours."

"And I love Mel Brooks. My Dad loved his movies, too, they're awesome, the kind of thing that if you're in for ten minutes, you're in for two hours."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Father, Dad, Love, Movies, Brooks

45

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Life, Soul, Eternity

45

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

45

"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Art, People, Comedy

45

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

College, Saying

45

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

45

"Speed is scarcely the noblest virtue of graphic composition, but it has its curious rewards. There is a sense of getting somewhere fast, which satisfies a native American urge."

"Speed is scarcely the noblest virtue of graphic composition, but it has its curious rewards. There is a sense of getting somewhere fast, which satisfies a native American urge."

James Thurber, American Comedian

45

"I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves."

"I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

45

"I've never been in the music industry, only acting."

"I've never been in the music industry, only acting."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

45

"My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame."

"My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

Goal, Career, Fame, Famous

45

"We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on."

"We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

45

"Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person."

"Love is the strange bewilderment that overtakes one person on account of another person."

James Thurber, American Comedian

45

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Parenting, Behavior, Bizarre, Kids

45

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

Richard Lewis, American Comedian

Help, Therapy, Trying

45

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Work, Hurt, Pain

45

"Oh, and Scott, get Mark to play me. He's the most talented one anyway."

"Oh, and Scott, get Mark to play me. He's the most talented one anyway."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

45

"The bottom line of Hollywood is money."

"The bottom line of Hollywood is money."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Money, Hollywood

45

"My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago."

"My uncle was the town drunk - and we lived in Chicago."

George Gobel, American Comedian

45

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."

"But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

45

"Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors."

"Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

God, People, Neighbors

45

"You just can't make any movie and it will be good now. This is a really a difficult time to be in films."

"You just can't make any movie and it will be good now. This is a really a difficult time to be in films."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Time, Now, Will

45

"Whenever someone dies everyone says, I love that guy, except for Jeffrey Dahmer."

"Whenever someone dies everyone says, I love that guy, except for Jeffrey Dahmer."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

45

"Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got."

"Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

45

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Sex, First

45

"What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?"

"What kind of morons do you have working at newspapers in Austin that would base an entire review of an artist's performance on whether or not they had a good seat?"

Al Yankovic, American Comedian

Performance, Artist, Newspapers

45

"I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do."

"I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Time, Now, Right

45

"When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well."

"When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

45

"I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up."

"I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Experience, Celebrity

45

"Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing."

"Even when I'm not directing, that doesn't stop Owen from having ideas for what I should be doing."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

45

"My family is very theatrical."

"My family is very theatrical."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

45

"I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running."

"I try hard not to preach, but I get carried away, which is a mistake, but it's a risk worth running."

Ben Elton, British Comedian

Mistake, Risk, Running, Worth

45

"We're careful not to saturate people."

"We're careful not to saturate people."

David Brenner, American Comedian

45

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Wife, Light, Now

45

"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are."

"I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

45

"Politics has less to do with where you live than where your heart is."

"Politics has less to do with where you live than where your heart is."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Politics, Heart

45

"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

45

"Yeah, but you need an experienced radio veteran who is a liberal advocate. And there just hadn't been any radio that did that. And so they weren't trained - they had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that."

"Yeah, but you need an experienced radio veteran who is a liberal advocate. And there just hadn't been any radio that did that. And so they weren't trained - they had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that."

Al Franken, American Comedian

Being, Habits, Liberal

45

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

"My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

45

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

45

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

"I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

45

"The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was."

"The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

45

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

"I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me."

Jay London, American Comedian

Identity, Theft, Worry

45

"I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it."

"I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

45

"I thought it was a really good contrast to have a really sweet, sincere, church girl sitting next to the church lady who seemed kind of, you know, over the top."

"I thought it was a really good contrast to have a really sweet, sincere, church girl sitting next to the church lady who seemed kind of, you know, over the top."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Thought, Church, Contrast, Lady

45

"The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess."

"The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is anybody's guess."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Future, Old, Past, Present

45

"Oh, it takes a lot for me to walk out of a film."

"Oh, it takes a lot for me to walk out of a film."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

45

"If elected, I will win."

"If elected, I will win."

Pat Paulsen, American Comedian

45

"If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself."

"If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Man, Perfection, World

45

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Men, Women, Sex, Reason

45

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

45

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