Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 38/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

Wife, Now, Speech

35

"I don't know if we will ever try again because those sort of things are very hard to organise but yes, I've known Doon for years and John as well but I hadn't met Will before, and he turned out to be a good laugh."

"I don't know if we will ever try again because those sort of things are very hard to organise but yes, I've known Doon for years and John as well but I hadn't met Will before, and he turned out to be a good laugh."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

35

"I've never looked ahead very much in my life. I've never had any grand plan from the outset. I had no burning ambition to do what I do."

"I've never looked ahead very much in my life. I've never had any grand plan from the outset. I had no burning ambition to do what I do."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

35

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

People, Drugs, Reality

35

"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood so it was a great honour to be in it."

"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood so it was a great honour to be in it."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

35

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

35

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

35

"In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing."

"In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Society, Balance, Forget, Reason

35

"You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition."

"You have to have talent. You have to get the audition and then you have to nail the audition."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

35

"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

35

"They gave each other a smile with a future in it."

"They gave each other a smile with a future in it."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

35

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

35

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages."

"Men who do things without being told draw the most wages."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Men, Being, Wages

35

"I can remember the first face-lift show that came on. I rang up everyone - are you watching? I'm watching."

"I can remember the first face-lift show that came on. I rang up everyone - are you watching? I'm watching."

Jennifer Saunders, British Comedian

35

"When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

"When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary."

Red Buttons, American Comedian

35

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

"I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

35

"Maybe I'll learn how, but the only thing I can do is turn down parts that would hurt my conscience."

"Maybe I'll learn how, but the only thing I can do is turn down parts that would hurt my conscience."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Conscience, Hurt

35

"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."

"You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

35

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

"Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Men, Lie, Positive, Lies

35

"I have lots of energy."

"I have lots of energy."

Julia Sweeney, American Comedian

35

"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?"

"Is being an idiot like being high all the time?"

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

35

"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."

"This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances."

Gracie Allen, American Comedian

Government, Now

35

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Time, People, Fool

35

"But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that."

"But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Funny, Talent, Will

35

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

35

"I hate music, especially when it's played."

"I hate music, especially when it's played."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

35

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."

"If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

35

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

"When I was onstage doing the work, adrenaline killed the pain because I never hurt in front of an audience."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Work, Hurt, Pain

35

"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question."

"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question."

Arthur Guiterman, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Indigestion, Question

35

"When I was growing up, there were just the three channels, so as a nation we all sat down to the same meal at the end of the day. Now there's been this explosion."

"When I was growing up, there were just the three channels, so as a nation we all sat down to the same meal at the end of the day. Now there's been this explosion."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Day, End, Growing up, Nation

35

"Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?""

"Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic person and say, "Who do you think you are?""

Ray Combs, American Comedian

35

"You don't go dancing in the day. You don't go golfing in the night."

"You don't go dancing in the day. You don't go golfing in the night."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

Dance, Dancing, Day, Night

35

"I have pushed the boat out as far as I should in terms of taking on too many things. I'm getting older and I just could not take it any more. I am now monitoring myself very closely and I'm just trying not to get into that sort of state again."

"I have pushed the boat out as far as I should in terms of taking on too many things. I'm getting older and I just could not take it any more. I am now monitoring myself very closely and I'm just trying not to get into that sort of state again."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Now, State, Trying

35

"If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you."

"If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

35

"You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh."

"You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

35

"Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much."

"Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Soul, People, Mind

35

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

35

"I thought a dignified thing to do would be to live in the country by the time I'm 50 and write books."

"I thought a dignified thing to do would be to live in the country by the time I'm 50 and write books."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

Time, Thought, Books, Country

35

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Money, Happiness

35

"We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?"

"We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know?"

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

Funny, Life, Idea, College

35

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

35

"To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy."

"To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

Comedy, Key, Silence

35

"And we know Bruce Campbell from way back, so that was a lot of fun."

"And we know Bruce Campbell from way back, so that was a lot of fun."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

35

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

35

"Stay away from drugs. They're not worth it. I've tried, but there's none of them that's worth it."

"Stay away from drugs. They're not worth it. I've tried, but there's none of them that's worth it."

Randy Newman, American Comedian

35

"I have very happy memories of fairy tales. My mother used to take me to the library in Toronto to check out the fairy tales. And she was an actress, so she used to act out for me the different characters in all these fairy tales."

"I have very happy memories of fairy tales. My mother used to take me to the library in Toronto to check out the fairy tales. And she was an actress, so she used to act out for me the different characters in all these fairy tales."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Mother, Act, Memories

35

"At my age flowers scare me."

"At my age flowers scare me."

George Burns, American Comedian

35

"I want to manufacture a feud."

"I want to manufacture a feud."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

35

"We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that."

"We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

35

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Hate, London, Weather

35

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