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Quotes by Comedian
"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."
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"Some struggle is healthy. If you can embrace it rather than be angry, you can use it as your pilot light."
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"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."
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"Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own."
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"Maybe... there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for unlawfully detaining 120 people. Maybe they just got carried away with last year's idea of pre-emptive strikes and thought, 'Let's not wait for an actual crime to occur. Let's get the innocent."
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"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
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"Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."
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"I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you."
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"I always feel like an interloper when I do serious drama. It's my own paranoia."
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"I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see."
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"Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do."
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"Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out."
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"Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD."
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"We are not imperialists. We don't even try to take over Canada. It would be easy, although it might take a rear guard action to guard Anne Murray."
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"I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance - a sharp, vindictive glance."
Man,
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"You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it."
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"The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you."
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"I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not."
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"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
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"I actually got the part. And I thought, Well, I'll do it for a while. I'll just quit if it's stupid."
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"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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"Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."
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"I am full of gratitude for my life - and for this house."
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"I never do any television without chocolate. That's my motto and I live by it. Quite often I write the scripts and I make sure there are chocolate scenes. Actually I'm a bit of a chocolate tart and will eat anything. It's amazing I'm so slim."
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"I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards."
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"I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her."
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"I stayed a virgin until I was 23. I didn't do drugs or drink or smoke."
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"Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years."
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"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."
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"It's not communism, it's shouldn't be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It's our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the best people."
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