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Quotes by Comedian
"The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover."
53
"Well... Actually I got picked because I was the only one who fit the wedding gown - they had my size."
53
"I face every project the same way - do it right and give 110%. 100% isn't good enough."
53
"Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large."
53
"Well, I would definitely give up performing... But I would still sit down in an office and pretend to write with Dawn, even if we never produced anything, because it's just hilarious. I would miss that."
52
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
52
"I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."
52
"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."
52
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"
Old,
52
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
52
"England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'."
52
"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything."
52
"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."
52
"I was influenced by every comedian I ever saw work. That's the only way you learn how to do it."
Work,
52
"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."
52
"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
52
"I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians."
52
"When the first big paycheque with 'Dumb And Dumber' hit, I went: 'Gosh, I wonder if this will affect my performance. Will I do a take and think, was that worth $7 million?' But that never happened. If anything, it made me rebel against that thing when people who get rich start playing it safe."
52
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
52
"Mitt Romney is a true Mormon. John Edwards and Bill Clinton are not real Mormons. It was not 'Brigham Young' they were chanting. It was 'Bring 'em young.'"
52
"Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal."
52
"Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."
52
"I'm 65 and I guess that puts me in with the geriatrics. But if there were fifteen months in every year, I'd only be 48. That's the trouble with us. We number everything. Take women, for example. I think they deserve to have more than twelve years between the ages of 28 and 40."
52
"Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true."
52
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