Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 21/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such."

"I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

People, Act, Psychology

4

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

4

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

George Burns, American Comedian

Honesty, Acting

4

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Genius, People, Famous, Hate

4

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Passion, Wishing

4

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

4

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

4

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

People, Being, Christmas, Spirit

4

"The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us."

"The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Health, Love, Money, Old

4

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

Today, Walking, Want

4

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

4

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

4

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

4

"I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed."

"I am tired of angry feminists. I like my women happy, gregarious... and bathed."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

4

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

4

"The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find."

"The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

4

"The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance."

"The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Performance, First, Night, Options

4

"It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money."

"It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

4

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

4

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Apology, Future, Now, Secrets

4

"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup."

"The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

4

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

4

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Time, Talent, Famous, Writing

4

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it."

"According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Money, Sex, Will

4

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Men, Court, Religious, Washington

4

"Very quickly after meeting Dustin, the whole image I had of him was shattered."

"Very quickly after meeting Dustin, the whole image I had of him was shattered."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

4

"I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people."

"I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

People, Actions, Excuses, Hurt

4

"I got a gymnastics scholarship to college, fell in love with my true love of my whole life - who I'm married to now - and he was a virgin too. It was very romantic."

"I got a gymnastics scholarship to college, fell in love with my true love of my whole life - who I'm married to now - and he was a virgin too. It was very romantic."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Life, Love, College, Now

4

"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."

"Men always fall for frigid women because they put on the best show."

Fanny Brice, American Comedian

4

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral."

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Debate, Now, Right, Today

4

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

4

"I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement."

"I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

4

"The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life."

"The point is that there is tremendous hypocrisy among the Christian right. And I think that Christian voters should start looking at global warming and extreme poverty as a religious issue that speaks to the culture of life."

Al Franken, American Comedian

Life, Christian, Culture, Extreme

4

"But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people."

"But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

4

"I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper."

"I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper."

David Brenner, American Comedian

People, Golf, Television, Whisper

4

"I have to approach my life in this way so I can do what I need to do, and do it very well."

"I have to approach my life in this way so I can do what I need to do, and do it very well."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

4

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."

"I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Business, Mistake

4

"When you're writing these things, you're in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and America doesn't."

"When you're writing these things, you're in a room making each other laugh, you really have very little sense of political correctness or incorrectness. This is a question that Europe tends to ask and America doesn't."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

America, Europe, Question, Sense

4

"I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time."

"I guess happiness is not a state you want to be in all the time."

John Belushi, American Comedian

Happiness, Time, State, Want

4

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."

"I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories."

George Carlin, American Comedian

People, Disease, Memories, Old

4

"If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure."

"If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Lie, Act, Girlfriends, Pressure

4

"The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed."

"The running across the field thing, that was the first scene we shot in the movie. We asked the audience to stay for the scene, and 37,000 people stayed."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

People, First, Running

4

"I tend to like very bitchy women. I find myself most attracted to smart, sarcastic, bitchy women."

"I tend to like very bitchy women. I find myself most attracted to smart, sarcastic, bitchy women."

Lea DeLaria, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Sarcastic

4

"I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny."

"I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny."

Rachel Dratch, American Comedian

Funny, Thought, Woman

4

"If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six characters that you can pull out in an audition."

"If you do a scene and you really like a character in it or a premise in it to write it down and to work on it so that you can have five or six characters that you can pull out in an audition."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

Work, Character

4

"As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy."

"As a culture I see us as presently deprived of subtleties. The music is loud, the anger is elevated, sex seems lacking in sweetness and privacy."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Anger, Music, Sex, Culture

4

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

"My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese."

Jay London, American Comedian

4

"Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time."

"Yeah, I think Michael has had to deal with that label of being Michael Caine for a long time."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

4

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

George Burns, American Comedian

Life, Future, Rest

4

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far."

"I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

Angels, Space, Wind

4

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