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Quotes by Comedian
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
30
"There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying."
29
"So, if you're doing good longform with talented people than you can step out and you can be the president or a construction worker and people accept that. It's really the roles you give yourself."
29
"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."
29
"It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life."
29
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
29
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
29
"Susan, an only child who never had any roots, and I, a lone wolf who got married 20 years to late, were adopted by the kids as much as they were by us."
29
"What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary."
29
"No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago."
29
"Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising."
29
"I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable."
29
"The trouble with travelling back later on is that you can never repeat the same experience."
29
"I've learned sometimes you just have to take the bad from people."
29
"I can't discriminate? Oh, that's ripe, coming from a straight white man. What's the matter, baby doesn't feel like he belongs? Well why don't you try a place that was set up just for you? Like the world!"
29
"Political pundits are under professional obligation to regard the obvious as being too obvious."
29
"You go out with a girl you used to date, she looks so damn good, and then at a certain point you say, Boy, now I remember. I know why I left!"
Now,
29
"They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a brood mare for the state."
28
"Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at."
28
"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."
28
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
28
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."
28
"Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?"
Man,
28
"I'll be a flop in movies. Besides, I don't like 'em, and I never did believe there was a place called Hollywood. Somebody made it up!"
28
"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."
27
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
27
"Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair."
27
"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."
27
"And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me."
27
"The church must be the critic and guide of the state, and never its tool."
27
"It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya."
27
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