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Quotes by Comedian
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
22
"Technology... is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other."
22
"New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math."
22
"And after you've done the acting, there's a lot of places you can put your input - in the editing, in the production of it, in the rewriting of it and so on."
22
"I met Elvis first in Las Vegas. I think I was appearing with Tom Jones and he came backstage to say hello to Tom or we went to his dressing room to say hello."
22
"Susan, an only child who never had any roots, and I, a lone wolf who got married 20 years to late, were adopted by the kids as much as they were by us."
22
"No one has the responsibility to be out to anyone but himself or herself. I made my choice a million years ago."
22
"If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child."
22
"The trouble with travelling back later on is that you can never repeat the same experience."
22
"True patriotism is doing something for your country."
22
"I can't discriminate? Oh, that's ripe, coming from a straight white man. What's the matter, baby doesn't feel like he belongs? Well why don't you try a place that was set up just for you? Like the world!"
22
"People are always angry at America. They're absolutely certain that America either caused their problems or is deliberately not fixing their problems. But the anger is always directed at America and never at Americans."
22
"Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic?"
22
"You go out with a girl you used to date, she looks so damn good, and then at a certain point you say, Boy, now I remember. I know why I left!"
Now,
22
"When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps."
Time,
22
"New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch."
21
"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"
21
"Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) 'Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?"
21
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
21
"Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper."
21
"What do you mean you don't believe in homosexuality? It's not like the Easter Bunny, your belief isn't necessary."
21
"There are people worse off than me. I've had a very long run. I'm fine really. I'm just old."
21
"I'd always thought that if Python was going to go on at all, it'd be nice to get into storylines."
21
"Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film."
21
"I've learned sometimes you just have to take the bad from people."
21
"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."
21
"The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman."
20
"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
20
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