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Quotes by Comedian
"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."
40
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."
40
"I prefer the smaller budget versus the bigger budget because the mentality that goes along with big budget filmmaking doesn't really suit me; the mind-set that money is the answer."
40
"There's this idea that it has to be made in London. But we've got everything up here, and if you've got comics who are gifted because of where they're from, you shouldn't drag them away from that natural resource."
40
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
40
"I'm sometimes scared of everything that has happened to us. We didn't think Desilu Productions would grow so big. We merely wanted to be together and have two children."
40
"But I majored in Drama, modified with Psychology."
40
"I am not overlooking any mail. I'm looking at all of it. I even wrote back to the Viagra people."
40
"That's what show business is, sincere insincerity."
40
"Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you're hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about stuff into one human being. They're a human being they're going to let you down. You can't make someone your hero because of something you read on the internet. The internet is not a source of information it is a source of disinformation."
40
"Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers."
40
"People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly."
40
"Which is, I'm an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship."
40
"When I said I didn't have a cent, I didn't. I used to get annoyed with people who said they were broke when they had five dollars."
40
"When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital."
40
"Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined."
40
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
40
"Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate."
40
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."
40
"Because I hate fake people and I always think I'm never fake."
40
"Did you know that the United States is ranked fiftieth in the world in life expectancy? And the forty-nine loser countries where they live longer than us...they live shackled to the tyranny of nonprofit health care. Here in America, you're not coughing up blood, little Bobby, you're coughing up freedom!"
40
"I always loved comedy but I didn't start formally until I was in college."
40
"When I'm in the car, I want the only one shouting to be me."
40
"I did end up doing substitute teaching, but there's not a lot of teaching involved in that."
39
"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that."
39
"That's what keeps me up at three in the morning: Who's looking at reviews of Cabin Boy right now?"
39
"Some interviewees you make friends with and some you don't."
39
"You look at shows like The Simpsons or Larry Sanders or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Seinfeld, they're really sophisticated shows that we all love back home."
39
"I have to approach my life in this way so I can do what I need to do, and do it very well."
Life,
39
"Television doesn't make stars. It's the written media, the press, that makes stars."
39
"It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else."
39
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