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Quotes by Comedian
"I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from... you heterosexuals."
31
"I'm not really a political satirist. I don't kid myself. I'm more interested in doing the mannerisms and the personality."
31
"Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners."
31
"I wish I could believe that one person could make a difference."
31
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
31
"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."
31
"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat."
31
"Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, "Thank you?""
31
"When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well."
31
"The disparity between a restaurant's price and food quality rises in direct proportion to the size of the pepper mill."
31
"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."
31
"He was in awe of the thirst that people had for someone to tell them that everything was going to be all right. He marveled at the gullibility and vulnerability of his fellow humans. No wonder the churches called them sheep. They were woolly - headed pack animals being herded around for the benefit of whoever knew how to control the dogs."
31
"I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice."
31
"Are Christians too stupid that we can't write a script, we can't film a movie OR we don't know how to act?"
31
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Time,
31
"America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent....We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years."
31
"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."
31
"With Clinton, there's no question that I would have made fun of his out-and-out lying. But he's also a good friend."
31
"I write screenplays that don't get made and pilots that don't get picked up, and I re-write other people's movies, and those are all different kinds of fees."
31
"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
31
"You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X."
31
"No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to."
31
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