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Quotes by Comedian
"You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any."
44
"It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time."
44
"I've had a very good career and I'm grateful that the public has had some level of acceptance and appreciation of my work."
44
"I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in."
44
"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed."
44
"My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock."
44
"I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable."
44
"Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one."
44
"My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once."
44
"I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment."
44
"Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom."
44
"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing."
44
"I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed."
44
"Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies."
44
"The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down."
44
"Driving a motorcycle is like flying. All your senses are alive. When I ride through Beverly Hills in the early morning, and all the sprinklers have turned off, the scents that wash over me are just heavenly. Being House is like flying, too. You're free of the gravity of what people think."
44
"I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s."
44
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
43
"Admitting Error clears the Score, And proves you Wiser than before."
43
"Men would find it much harder because men have such odd personal relationships with each other. They don't really emotionally connect, whereas women do. I think women become very close."
43
"You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it."
43
"Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show."
43
"We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself."
43
"In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing."
Moon,
43
"I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'"
43
"You have a nice personality, but not for a human being."
43
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