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Quotes by Comedian
"Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious."
5
"I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away."
5
"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."
5
"One of the principal goals in my life has been to avoid embarrassing my children by doing the job I do. I hope I've managed to do that, and I hope that, with the job I'm in now, they are, if not proud, at least unembarrassed by it. I must say, my three are most agreeable children, who do nothing but delight me."
5
"It is a very delicate job to forgive a man, without lowering him in his own estimation, and yours too."
5
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
5
"Inside was the second LP album of a comedian's performance before an audience."
5
"I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock."
5
"Frank Sinatra taught me how to do him. It took me seven years to master him. He would tell me, tap your foot, Rich, and don't forget to grasp your sleeve."
5
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
5
"Be kind to people on the way up - you'll meet them again on your way down."
5
"I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me."
5
"There are two phases to a movie. First you shoot the movie, and then you make the movie. Generally, post-production is longer than filming."
5
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
5
"Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on."
5
"Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish."
5
"I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her."
5
"Cleveland is my hometown, and the Indians have a narrow but rich history."
5
"Curb Your Enthusiasm, is not so much about Hollywood. It's more about Larry's weaknesses."
5
"For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting."
5
"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger."
5
"I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless."
Word,
5
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
5
"I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front."
5
"I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out."
5
"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
5
"I have been instrumental in banning bottled water on the set. It hasn't gone that well with the crew... so I replaced it with tequila."
5
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