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"I wear so many disguises on the show that only a real comedy fan might spot me."
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"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke."

"Uh-oh, I hope he doesn't start rattling off dirty limericks next; she'll probably burn the hotel down."

"Are you out of your goddamn mind? You think we can take on two hundred soldiers? I know I am an extremely attractive man, J, but I am not Bruce Lee."Who's Bruce Lee?"Who's Bruce Lee? Kenji asks, horrified. "Oh my God. We can't even be friends anymore."Why? Was he a friend of yours?"You know what, he says, "just stop. Just-I can't even talk to you right now."

"I had to stop myself from laughing. Who needs help taking a pill?"

"Sometimes Spiro missed the times when a troublesome worker was thrown out of a high window and that was the end of him. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down."

"I basically did comedy there for about a year, and then moved to New York. If I had it to do over again, I would have booked myself on the road for at least a year."
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"I remember going to my school careers advisor and asked about jobs that required scuba divers. It was a phase."
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