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Humor Quotes
"In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick."
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"Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said."
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"Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead.' Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to 'poop on a stick,' but sounded more succinct, like this: 'Of course they won't bloody remember, they'll be dead, Poopstick."
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"The natural habitat of the tongue is the left cheek."
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"Doesn't this place give you the creeps? You could perhaps do something with some floral wallpaper and a fire-bomb."
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"If a woman's vagina was hell fire, then alot of sex maniacs would prefer to spend their eternity in hell."
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"A true intellectual is a man who, after reading a book and being convinced by its arguments, will shoot someone or, more likely, order someone shot."
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"The perils of duck hunting are great - especially for the duck."
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"Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra."
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"I'll do humor about myself, I'll poke fun and everything, but that's me and I can do it to me. I think it's cruel to do it to somebody else."
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"Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set."
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"That's the great thing about entering a convent: There are things that you simply can't do, so you don't have to worry about them."
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"Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore."
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"I have a totally unhealthy and unrealistic fear of being eaten by a great white shark. This is because I belong to a very specific demographic called American Child Whose Parents Made the Ill-Advised Decision To Allow Her To Watch the Movie Jaws At a Sleepover During Her Formative Years."
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"It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle."
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"Hey, Ms. P," Tad called, "what's going on?"She let out a slow breath before she answered. "You won't believe this... Brian Murrey tried to eat Scott Morgan."Nick's eyes widened at the unexpected explanation. Had he heard that right?"
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"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
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"I like the sound of that, crashing Monica's party," he glanced at Michael, then quickly away. "What about you? That break some kind of vampire rules or something?""Blow me Shane.""Boys," Eve said primly. "Language. Minor at the table.""Well," Shane said, "I wasn't actually planning to do it."Claire rolled her eyes. "Not like it's the first time I've heard it. Or said it.""You shouldnt say it," Michael said, all seriousness. "No, I mean it. Girls should say 'eat me' not 'blow me'. Wouldn't recommend 'bite me' though. Not around here."
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"Humor does not diminish the pain - it makes the space around it get bigger."
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"Humor expands our limited picture frame and gets us to see more than just our problem."
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"Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum."
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"The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature."
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"I know supposedly God has anger, vengeance, and wrath, and if he doesn't have a sense of humor I'm in big trouble!"
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"You've got to have, like, a lentil for a soul to hate wiener dogs."
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"In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh."
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"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law."
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"I don't understand boys."
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"It went automatically to a heavy-weight mother with beetling eyebrows who looked as if she had just come from doing a spot of knitting at the foot of the guillotine."
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"A sense of humour is a sense of proportion."
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"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?""Ask a glass of water!"
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"Good-humor makes all things tolerable."
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"He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap."Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please.""What?""Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!""You have GOT to be kidding.""Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn."
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"You are fifty different kinds of twisted.""Only fifty? Val, you wound me."
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"Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air."
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"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
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"In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge."
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"I've always chosen my band members based on their sense of humor. It might sound stupid, but it means not only are they fun to live with on a tour bus for years, but humor implies intelligence."
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"George Bush has met more foreign heads of state than I have. But a substantial number of them were dead."
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