"Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ."

"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?"

"There is not a simple gene pool entirely free of toxic waste."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?"

"You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach."

"Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air."

"Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind."

"False hope is better than no hope at all."

"Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court."

"Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which."

"I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister."

"Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards."

"And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever."

"Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores."

"Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life."

"Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either."

"You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart."

"If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago."

"I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms."

"Love makes the world go around, but so does a gallon of vodka and a box of Cuban cigars."

"A woman needs a man like a tuba needs a cucumber."

"There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders."

"I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear."

"Solberg, nature's greatest argument against cloning."

"He who laughs loudest has a high probability of being extremely inebriated."

"He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy."

"Don't worry. It's scientifically unlikely that the universe will explode into a million particles at any given moment."

"There is no feature as attractive as a well exercised intellect."

"Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers."

"If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed."

"Analyzing dreams is much like walking on water. There are a limited number of people who do it well."

"Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid."

"Expect stupid. It's everywhere."

"All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge."

"If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift."

"They say love makes the world go around, I been dizzy for a long time."

"Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative."

"When in doubt, shoot 1st and ask questions later, but avoid the head, "because they'rea lot more likely to answer if they're not dead."

"He's just a flash in the pants."

"There isn't much a pan of warm Brownies and a glass of milk will fix. In less it's low grain prices. Or poverty. Or the national debt. I guess there are a few things, but nothing you have to worry about right this minute."

"Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts."

"Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head."

"If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong."

"Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink."

"A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul."

"A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good."

"Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously."

"Sometimes stupid is crime enough."

"Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me."

"If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it."