top of page
.png){kind=small}
Humor Quotes
"But whenever I meet dynamic, nonretarded Americans, I notice that they all seem to share a single unifying characteristic: the inability to experience the kind of mind-blowing, transcendent romantic relationship they perceive to be a normal part of living. And someone needs to take the fall for this. So instead of blaming no one for this (which is kind of cowardly) or blaming everyone (which is kind of meaningless), I'm going to blame John Cusack."
11
"Milk is the only juice in a world of cows."
11
"The sign said 'eight items or less'. So I changed my name to Les."
11
"There is a great deal of difference between a penis and a heart."
11
"Don't ask for a girl's hand in marriage and forget to ask for her leg too."
11
"That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days.You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE."
11
"And if I vas to point at a castle on a towering crag and say 'Yonder is...zer castle' a volf would be bound to howl mournfully. In zer old country, zer scenery is psychotropic and knows vot is expected of it. Here, alas, people just look at you in a funny vay."
11
"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
11
"There should be a rule against your own inner monologue throwing around that much sarcasm."
11
"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
11
"I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"
11
"To think you could have been dreaming the cure for cancer," Blue said. "Look, Sargent," Ronan retorted, "I was gonna dream you some eye cream last night since clearly modern medicine's doing jack shit for you, but I nearly had my ass handed to me by a death snake from the fourth circle of dream hell, so you're welcome."Blue was appropriately touched. "Ah, thanks, man.""No problem, bro."
11
"I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line."
11
"He had had a severe shock some weeks earlier, when, having narrowly failed to capture a large grey-brown hare for his dinner, it had stopped at the edge of the forest, looked at him with disdain, and said, 'Well, I hope you're proud of yourself, that's all,' and had scampered off into the long grass."
11
"What? he asked in a low voice."You looked like you spent your last joy bill.He hissed, "What does that even mean?"I don't know. I was just trying it out."Well, it doesn't work. It doesn't make sense. And anyway, I've got plenty of joy bills. Loads.Helen said, "What's happening there on your phone?"A very small joy debit.His older sister's smile shone brightly. "You see, it does work. Now, did you or did you not need to get out of that room?Gansey inclined his head in slight acknowledgment. Gansey siblings knew each other well."You're so welcome, Helen said. "Let me know if you need me to write a joy check."I really don't think it works."
11
"Cynicism is humour in ill health."
11
"The Gray Man hated his current rental car. He got the distinct impression it hadn't been handled enough by humans when it was young, and now it would never be pleasant to be around."
11
"Journeyman stared at Grimm as though Grimm had just suggested that the engineer should prostitute his mother to pirates."
11
"Just deleting vandalism on the Chuck Norris page," Radar said. "For instance, while I do think that Chuck Norris specializes in the roundhouse kick, I don't think it's accurate to say, 'Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, but unfortunately he has never cried."
11
"She is an incredibly intelligent idiot."
11
"I'd like to say I'm not self-absorbed compared to others, but that's hard to say since I'm far too self-absorbed to pry into others' self-absorption."
11
"They ought to find out how to vaccinate for love, like smallpox."
11
"We can always lace a sense of humor around anything."
11
"These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I'm going to use the name of a famous American poet:'You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!''Thanks for the advice, you pathetic piece of E.E. Cummings, but I think I'm gonna pass.''You Robert Frost-ing Nikki Giovanni! Get a life, nerd. You're a virgin.''Hey bro, you need to go outside and get some fresh air into you. Or a girlfriend.'I need to get a girlfriend into me? I think that shows a fundamental lack of comprehension about how babies are made."
11
"As for doing good; that is one of the professions which is full. Moreover I have tried it fairly and, strange as it may seem, am satisfied that it does not agree with my constitution."
11
"Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go."
11
"There is never a bad time for a pun. There's also never really a good time for a pun. You might as well just stay braced for a pun at all times, and ride them when they come with as much grace as you can manage.The fact that you can replace 'pun' with 'disaster' in the last three rules says a lot about the human race."
11
"There is a certain delightful sort of hope which the introvert can receive only by having company over...the hope that they will leave soon."
11
"Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others."
11
"I try very hard to be annoying! Don't insult my ability to annoy!"
11
bottom of page