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"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."
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"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog."
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Personal Development
"Sometimes absurd logic can be amusing and heart-touching."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I think at its best the American sense of humor is the same as the British sense of humor at its best, which is to be wry and ironic and self deprecating."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Alimony: the cash surrender value of a husband."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Beware of giggle grins, they are highly contagious."
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Personal Development
"When I reprimanded my son for hair like Michael Jackson he said: "I don't see the problem you wear yours like Michael Jordan.""
Author Name
Personal Development
"God, you had enough time to have been through it three times. You've been through my stuff. I bet you over and let one of you stick the world's longest finger up my ass. If a prostate check is an exam, that was a motherfucking safari. I was scared to look down. I thought I'd see that guy's finger nail sticking out of my cock."
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Personal Development
"There's folks 'ud stand on their heads and then say the fault was i' their boots."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Total absence of humor renders life impossible."
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Personal Development
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"Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do."
Life
"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
Happiness
"In the afternoon the ship's company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the asthmatic meodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled the Star Spangled Banner, the choir chased it to cover, and George came in with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered it. Nobody mourned. We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional and I do not endorse it)."
Humor
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."
Humor
"When I am king they shall not have bread and shelter only, but also teachings out of books, for a full belly is little worth where the mind is starved."
Society
"One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke."
Writing
"The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little."
Wisdom
"Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
Happiness
"Don't use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do."
Writing
"Schoolboy days are no happier than the days of afterlife, but we look back upon them regretfully because we have forgotten our punishments at school and how we grieved when our marbles were lost and our kites destroyed - because we have forgotten all the sorrows and privations of the canonized ethic and remember only its orchard robberies, its wooden-sword pageants, and its fishing holidays."
Reflection
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