"The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"

"Mothers are the necessity of invention."

"If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently."

"I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track."

"Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around."

"I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations."

"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night."

"I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts."

"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."

"Letting your mind play is the best way to solve problems."

"If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life."

"Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery - it recharges by running."

"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?"

"It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool."

"Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience."

"It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept."

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs."

"The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present."

"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled."

"Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes we have made."

"If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life."

"Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery."

"A real job is a job you hate."

"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way."

"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different."

"Genius is never understood in its own time."

"The world of a comic strip ought to be a special place with its own logic and life... I don't want the issue of Hobbes's reality settled by a doll manufacturer."

"I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"

"So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it."

"We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."

"God put me on this earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind that I will never die."

"That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder."

"Heck, what's a little extortion among friends?"

"It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for ourselves."

"Reality continues to ruin my life."

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."

"Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice."

"There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do."

"Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend."