Humor Quotes | Beyond Motive 37/59

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Humor Quotes

"What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!"

"What the famous big blue Boy Scout told to a green Kryptonite? What?? YOU rock!"

Ana Claudia Antunes, Brazilian Singer

Humor, Observation, Playfulness, Interaction

13

"They do certainly give very strange, and newfangled, names to diseases."

"They do certainly give very strange, and newfangled, names to diseases."

Plato, Greek Philosopher

13

"He that would pun would pick a pocket."

"He that would pun would pick a pocket."

Alexander Pope, English Poet

Humor, Wit, Trickery, Truth

13

"Growl all you want. The sound is...appealing."

"Growl all you want. The sound is...appealing."

Katie Reus, American Author

Humor, Sound, Observation, Playfulness, Emotion

13

"You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown."

"You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you're smart, you'll end up as a comedian. If you're not, you'll end up as a clown."

Ljupka Cvetanova, Macedonian Author

Humor, Comedy, Intelligence, Observation, Perception

13

"An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet."

"An oyster has hardly any more reasoning power than a scientist has; and so it it is reasonably certain that this one jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million years was a preparation for him; but that would be just like an oyster, which is the most conceited animal there is, except man. And anyway, this one could not know, at that early date, that he was only an incident in a scheme, and that there was some more in the scheme yet."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Reasoning, Power, Science, Man

13

"Tis better than riches To scratch when it itches."

"Tis better than riches To scratch when it itches."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Wealth, Desire, Satisfaction

13

"I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff."

"I have to say, old friend, you were supposed to help train her, not drop her off a cliff."

Brandon Sanderson, American Author

Humor, Training, Responsibility, Risk

13

"Reply not to me with a fool-born jest."

"Reply not to me with a fool-born jest."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

Humor, Jest, Truth, Life

13

"What a pair they were - a Mistborn who felt guilty wasting coins to jump and a nobleman who thought balls were too expensive."

"What a pair they were - a Mistborn who felt guilty wasting coins to jump and a nobleman who thought balls were too expensive."

Brandon Sanderson, American Author

Humor, Wealth, Conflict, Tradition

13

"The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is "Stop for lunch and you are lunch.""

"The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is "Stop for lunch and you are lunch.""

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Work, Pressure, Stress

13

"I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny."

"I like Michael Moore, but I think of him more as a rabble-rouser. On his TV show, when he went to the home of the guy who invented the car alarm and set off all the car alarms on the block... pretty funny."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Humor, Critique, Observation, Media

13

"To his dog every man is Napoleon hence the constant popularity of dogs."

"To his dog every man is Napoleon hence the constant popularity of dogs."

Aldous Huxley, English Novelist

Humor, Dogs, Loyalty, Man, Popularity

13

"How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it."

"How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it."

Jennifer L. Armentrout, American Author

Humor, Justice, Observation, Action

13

"He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later."

"He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later."

Dean Koontz, American Author

Humor, Memory, Surprise, Language

13

"In the desert there is no sign that says, 'Thou shalt not eat stones."

"In the desert there is no sign that says, 'Thou shalt not eat stones."

Margaret Atwood, Canadian Novelist

Humor, Absurdity, Irony

13

"When life throws a lemon at you, you throw it straight back at life and miss completely. That's my logic."

"When life throws a lemon at you, you throw it straight back at life and miss completely. That's my logic."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Logic, Life

13

"Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude."

"Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude."

Frank Muir, English Writer

Humor, Superiority, Jokes, Pursuit

13

"He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain."

"He then departed, to make himself still more interesting, in the midst of an heavy rain."

Jane Austen, British Writer

Humor, Departure, Drama, Rain, Emotion

13

"I'd heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word "utilize instead of "use."

"I'd heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word "utilize instead of "use."

Patrick Rothfuss, Australian Athlete

Humor, Conflict, Word, Language, Argument

13

"Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Back! Foul best of Hell!" followed by gasps of "Is it alive?" and a nervous inquiry as to whether anybody had remembered to bring the stakes and hammers."

"Fat Charlie wondered what Rosie's mother would usually hear in a church. Probably just cries of "Back! Foul best of Hell!" followed by gasps of "Is it alive?" and a nervous inquiry as to whether anybody had remembered to bring the stakes and hammers."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Church, Judgment, Religion

13

"Epic sex?" I sputtered. "By what standards, precisely, is sex judged to be epic?""And tons and tons of mortal simps like you used as pawns." Bob sighed happily, ignoring my question. "There are no words. It was like the Lord of the Rings and All My Children made a baby with the Macho Man Randy Savage and a Whac-A-Mole machine."

"Epic sex?" I sputtered. "By what standards, precisely, is sex judged to be epic?""And tons and tons of mortal simps like you used as pawns." Bob sighed happily, ignoring my question. "There are no words. It was like the Lord of the Rings and All My Children made a baby with the Macho Man Randy Savage and a Whac-A-Mole machine."

Jim Butcher, American Author

Humor, Comparison, Imagination, Fantasy

13

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

"So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Humor, Fun, Death, Reality

13

"The secret to humor is surprise."

"The secret to humor is surprise."

Aristotle, Greek Philosopher

13

"If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!"

"If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!"

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Chaos, Irony, Fear

13

"The cat wrinkled its nose and managed to look unimpressed. "Calling cats," it confided, "tends to be a rather overrated activity. Might as well call a whirlwind."

"The cat wrinkled its nose and managed to look unimpressed. "Calling cats," it confided, "tends to be a rather overrated activity. Might as well call a whirlwind."

Neil Gaiman, British Author

Humor, Cats, Behavior, Animals

13

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband."

Michel de Montaigne, French Philosopher

Humor, Marriage, Wisdom, Acceptance

13

"I'm a cat. We aren't required to make sense."

"I'm a cat. We aren't required to make sense."

Seanan McGuire, American Author

Humor, Animals, Identity, Freedom

13

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels."

"The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I have finished my travels."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Travel, Fool, Friendship

13

"Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse."

"Two old Bachelors were living in one house; One caught a Muffin, the other caught a Mouse."

Edward Lear, English Artist

Humor, Bachelors, Living, Mouse, Old

13

"The whole concept of some stranger making his way down our chimney - not that we had one - suggested burglary more readily than generosity. Any Santa who tried it would have gotten a bullet in his holly, jolly keister."

"The whole concept of some stranger making his way down our chimney - not that we had one - suggested burglary more readily than generosity. Any Santa who tried it would have gotten a bullet in his holly, jolly keister."

Thomm Quackenbush, American Author

Humor, Theft, Generosity, Violence

13

"In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards."

"In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, God, Idiots, Practice, School

13

"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."

"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."

Stephen King, American Author

Humor, Literary

13

"Then what are you? An electronic Hannibal Lector? You can't eat my liver with fava beans through a modem, you know."

"Then what are you? An electronic Hannibal Lector? You can't eat my liver with fava beans through a modem, you know."

Dean Koontz, American Author

Humor, Technology, Absurdity, Communication

13

"I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?"

"I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?"

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

Humor, Curiosity, Body, Imagination

13

"The last word in an argument is what a wife has. Anything a husband says after that is the beginning of another argument."

"The last word in an argument is what a wife has. Anything a husband says after that is the beginning of another argument."

Anonymous, Unknown Unknown

Humor, Argument, Marriage, Communication

13

"Nothing annoys in this world as a nagging wife."

"Nothing annoys in this world as a nagging wife."

Bangambiki Habyarimana, Rwandan Author

Humor, Wife, World, Marriage, Life

13

"His voice gave out and he made several wavy motions with his hand, indicative of the shape of a woman who would probably be unable to keep her balance."

"His voice gave out and he made several wavy motions with his hand, indicative of the shape of a woman who would probably be unable to keep her balance."

Terry Pratchett, English Author

Humor, Body, Impression

13

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

Mark Twain, American Author

Humor, Paris, Language, Failure, Communication

13

"We fancy men are individuals so are pumpkins but every pumpkin in the field goes through every point of pumpkin history."

"We fancy men are individuals so are pumpkins but every pumpkin in the field goes through every point of pumpkin history."

Ralph Waldo Emerson, American Poet

Humor, Individual, History, Identity

13

"Everyone has a hidden agenda. Except me!"

"Everyone has a hidden agenda. Except me!"

Michael Crichton, American Author

Humor, Trust, People, Honesty

13

"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

"God alert!" Blackjack yelled. "It's the wine dude!Mr. D sighed in exasperation. "The next person, or horse, who calls me the 'wine dude' will end up in a bottle of Merlot!"

Rick Riordan, American Novelist

Humor, Truth, Wisdom, Power

13

"Books are temporary , dicks are forever."

"Books are temporary , dicks are forever."

Gillian Flynn, American Author

Humor, Books, Truth, Desire

13

"This isn't an army marching on the Mists. This isn't a case you have to solve. It's just a bunch of nobles coming to puff their chests out at each other an try to look important. Do what I do. Bring popcorn."

"This isn't an army marching on the Mists. This isn't a case you have to solve. It's just a bunch of nobles coming to puff their chests out at each other an try to look important. Do what I do. Bring popcorn."

Seanan McGuire, American Author

Humor, Conflict, Politics, Drama

13

"I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion."

"I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion."

Franklin D. Roosevelt, American President

Humor, Balance, America, Joy

13

"The waiter approached.'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?''Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur.'Huh?' said Trillian.'That's cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat."

"The waiter approached.'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?''Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur.'Huh?' said Trillian.'That's cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat."

Douglas Adams, English Writer

Humor, Food, Confusion, Social

12

"If you're not able to laugh inside a sex shop,then you probably shouldn't be there.I mean, they don't call it fooling around for nothing."

"If you're not able to laugh inside a sex shop,then you probably shouldn't be there.I mean, they don't call it fooling around for nothing."

David Levithan, American Author

Humor, Life, Sexuality, Truth

12

"Whenever my children complain about the planet to me, I say 'Shut up, I just got here myself'."

"Whenever my children complain about the planet to me, I say 'Shut up, I just got here myself'."

Kurt Vonnegut, American Author

Humor, Children, Perspective, Earth

12

"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."

"Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something."

Maggie Stiefvater, American Author

Humor, Calm, Reassurance, Fear

12

"Your fancy alien train is broken?''My fancy alien material transfer system has been sitting unused for over a billion years and half the planet just exploded. Your ship was built less than a decade ago and you can barely keep the coffee pot running.'You are a sad, bitter little man."

"Your fancy alien train is broken?''My fancy alien material transfer system has been sitting unused for over a billion years and half the planet just exploded. Your ship was built less than a decade ago and you can barely keep the coffee pot running.'You are a sad, bitter little man."

James S.A. Corey, American Author

Humor, Technology, Conflict, Science

12

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