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Humor Quotes
"If she were any friendlier, she'd be giving you a lapdance right now."
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"After all, what could you expect from a pig but a grunt?"
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"Come on, gentleman; let us drink to our stupidity."
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"Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog that guards the entrance to the Underworld appears next to her-sans two of its heads-and sits down. As a child, we had a neighbor with a Great Dane, and I know they're about three feet tall at the shoulder. Allow another twelve inches for their T-Rex-sized heads, and you've got a dog that this woman could throw a saddle on and ride like a pony."
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"Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work."
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"Can you two keep from tearing each other's throats out during however long it takes to find Nash?" Lucas's dry tone did nothing to hide the feline amusement in his eyes as he broke into her line of sight. "Or maybe I should be worrying about clothes instead?"
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"Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything."
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"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage."
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"Boomer took bites of all six varieties, contemplating each one and "guring out the order in which he would then eat them. "I like thebrown one and the lighter brown one and the almost-brown one. I'm not so sure about the minty one. But really, I think the lebkuchen spiceone is the best."The what?"The lebkuchen spice one. He held it up for me. "This one."You're making that up. What's a lebkuchen spice? It sounds like a cross between a Keebler elf and a stripper. Hello, my name eesLebkuchen Spice, and I vant to show you my cooooookies..."Don't be rude! Boomer protested. As if the cookie might be offended."
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"Satire today has become a flat 'tyre'."
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"The stupidest man I ever met had a favourite saying. It was: 'What do you think I am, stupid, or something?"
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"That kind of so-called housekeeping where they have six Bibles and no cork-screw."
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"Oh be careful! There they go again!" said the old queen as his string broke spilling his balls over the floor.... "Stop them will you, James, you worthless old shit! Don't just stand there and let the master's balls roll into the coal-bin!"
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"Most cats don't like water, and despite her pretensions of tigerhood, Julie was no different. Yes, tigers have stripes; so do tabbies. If you want to know the difference, try tossing one of each into your swimming pool. Then I would recommend running."
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"Even cats have questions " like "Can't you see my bowl is empty? or "Why don't you turn off the ***! rain now? From their perspective we are gods!"
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"We almost made it to thirty seconds without an insult. I think we set a new record."
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"As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight."
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"Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly."
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"It'll make you look rugged,' Mel says.'Because I woke up this morning,' I say, 'and the one thing I realized I lacked was ruggedness."
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"What's the difference between rain and grain? Only a g, though they both grow in the land, and they don't land but fall. What a difference a g makes!"
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"That's the best thing I can think of. Having a good hold on your arse always makes me feel steady."
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"When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything."
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"I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches."
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"Witches, he thought. Always rhyming."
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"DOG: A kind of additional or subsidiary Diety designed to catch the overflow or surplus of the world's worship."
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"As a career the business of an orthodox preacher is about as successful as that of a celluloid dog chasing an asbestos cat through Hell."
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"BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual."
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"Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night."
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"Ambulances were cool. "You just want to fondle my extraneous body parts, I said to the EMT as I picked up a silver gadget that looked disturbingly like an alien orifice probe, broke it, then promptly put it back, hoping it wouldn't leave someone's life hanging in the balance because the EMT couldn't alien-probe his orifices."
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"You noticed that I wore this outfit twice? Why, the only thing you wear twice is a sour expression."
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"Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught."
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"What are you grinning at?" Katsa demanded for the third or fourth time. "Is the ceiling about to cave in on my head or something? You look like we're both on the verge of an enormous joke.""Katsa, only you would consider the collapse of the ceiling a good joke."
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"I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged."
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"I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear."
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"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
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"The orchestra had ceased and were now climbing onto their chairs, with their instruments. The floral offerings flew; the coffin teetered. "Catch it!" a voice shouted. They sprang forward, but the coffin crashed heavily to the floor, coming open. The corpse tumbled slowly and sedately out and came to rest with its face in the center of a wreath. "Play something!" the proprietor bawled, waving his arms; "play! Play!"
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