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Mark Twain

"I would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective."

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"I would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective."

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Donna Grant

"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"

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Donna Grant

"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."

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Donna Grant

"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."

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Donna Grant

"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"

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Donna Grant

"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."

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Donna Grant

"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."

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Donna Grant

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

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Donna Grant

"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."

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Donna Grant

"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"

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Donna Grant

"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."

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Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
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"The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives."
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Mark Twain
"Never let your education interfere with your learning."
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Mark Twain
"You can find in a text whatever you bring, if you will stand between it and the mirror of your imagination. You may not see your ears, but they will be there."
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"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."
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Mark Twain
"What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce."
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Mark Twain
"It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt."
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Mark Twain
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
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Mark Twain
"Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today."
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Mark Twain
"Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first!"
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