top of page
.png){kind=small}
Humor Quotes
"I tried to blow a yellow jacket out and now it's wearing a bow tie in its mouth."
17
"You can read minds, and you didn't tell me? Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. 'Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin' your chain. He looked away. 'Are you doin' it now? You're doin' it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head. He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.'I can't read your mind, you idiot."
17
"Tuck a buck as a puck of luck."
17
"It would be superfluous todrive us mad, my dear Watson."
17
"Extolling the virtues of conservation of energy, Churchill advised, "Never stand when you can sit, and never sit when you can lie down."
17
"Women will be the death of you. Julio entered and sat down. 'That's why I don't mess with them. They make men weak.'You don't mess with them because you're gay."
17
"He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
17
"Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?"
17
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
17
"Here's a tip...If you leave a girl crying you're probably not doing your Don Juan routine right, asshole."
17
"Tex's head snapped in my direction.Fuckin' A, woman, you've never had a s'more? he boomedI shook my head.Christ, everyone's gotta have a s'more before they die. Fuck that shit, I'll build a fire in my backyard tonight and I'll stop by Kumar's on the way home to get the stuff. Everyone can come by."
17
"OK, so the guy is cool, but... I mean own up, this is barking time, this is major lunch, this is stool approaching critical mass, this is... this is... total vocabulary failure!"
17
"I'd rather be thin than famousbut I'm fatpaste that in your broadway show."
17
"Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are God."
17
"You are covered in blood,' Tybalt said again, stressing the words harder this time. 'It makes me tense.' There was a thud as the guard hit the floor, and Tybalt returned to my side.'Wow. You must be tense a lot.'He sighed. 'You have no idea."
17
"Lovers of print are simply confusing the plate for the food."
17
"Just thinking about how long it's been since I've managed to wind up covered in blood, I said. 'It's like a new trend. A blood-free trend."
17
"There are talking dogs all over the place, unbelievably boring they are, on and on and on about sex and shit and smells, and smells and shit and sex, and do you love me, do you love me, do you love me."
17
"I'm not much for parties. Sometimes you have to wear a funny hat, sometimes they expect you to eat sushi, which is like eating bait. And there's always some totally drunk girl who thinks you're smitten by her, when what you're really wondering is if she'll vomit on your shirt or instead on your shoes."
17
"Cats don't need to be possessed, they're evil on their own."
17
"He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger."
16
"I do things like get in a taxi and say, "The library, and step on it."
16
"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."
16
"He laughed and the others laughed with him, except Babe, who resented slightly that what he felt so deeply could be reduced to a humor."
16
"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? Youtake delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.""You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. Theyare my old friends. I have heard you mention them with considerationthese last twenty years at least."
16
"Laughter is the only free emotion - the only one that can't be compelled. We can be made to fear. We can even be made to believe we're in love because, if we're kept dependent and isolated for long enough, we bond in order to survive. But laughter explodes like an aha! It comes when the punch line changes everything that has gone before, when two opposites collide and make a third and when we suddenly see a new reality...laughter is an orgasm of the mind."
16
"It does no good to bark at the television,I said. I've tried it too. So he stopped."
16
"Asshole Proximity Disorder."
16
"So, Gwardian, are you going to stand there, or may I have some privacy so I can bathe? We aren't all as full of ourselves as you are."
16
"People are basically irritating. Myself included."
16
"The man who cannot laugh is not only fit for treasons strategems and spoils but his whole life is already a treason and a stratagem."
16
"You're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure."
16
"I would rather decline two drinks than one German adjective."
16
"Agent Jones held Sinjin's face in his hands. "I'm going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals."How right you are, strange delusional man, Sinjin said."
16
"Sentinel meeting tonight, Ria told her. "At Lucas's place. "Time? ..."Seven. Sascha's doing dinner. "God save us all. Sascha had decided she liked cooking. Unfortunately, cooking didn't like her back."
16
"My butt has a maximum drive time of seven hours."
16
bottom of page