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"I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend."
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"Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!"
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Personal Development
"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"One who has both feet firmly planted in the air."
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Personal Development
"My religion consists of laughing at myself. My motto is this: As long as there is a me, there is a reason to laugh out loud!"
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Personal Development
"Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and-" He stood up. "Let's dance."
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Personal Development
"The cleverest woman finds a need for foolish admirers."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"I was my own boss, but that all changed the day I got married."
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Personal Development
"Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?"
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Personal Development
"I went to the kitchen and felt-up the turkey."
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Personal Development
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"I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox."
Love
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
Mistake
"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."
Now
"Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Relationship
"Marriage is the death of hope."
Death
"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."
Life
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?"
Dream
"I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak."
Life
"There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope."
Knowledge
"The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you."
Humor
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